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February 22, 2007

Ghost Rider sucked _this_ bad

Aww jeez, Ghost Rider is #1 at the box office this week. I can't believe it, but then again, if Americans can vote for Bush twice, they'll go see Ghost Rider I guess.

While I like my geek comic book movies, Ghost Rider sucked supreme donkey dick from start to finish, from script to CGI. It's up there as one of the shittiest comic book turned motion picture ever, right up there with Swamp Thing (starring Adrienne Barbeau, the only star of the film I must add).

Anyway, the plot of the film goes like this: Nicholas Cage's character used to be hot in the first part of the film, but then they ruin everything and fast forward to present and suddenly he has a bad wig because he sells his soul to the Devil. Not even the Devil's Contract can burn off his bad wig, not even when his skull bursts into flame. It's like an asbestos wig from hell on his head, and it possesses his mind and makes him say bad, poorly written lines in the film. I just couldn't get past that wig, I'm sorry.

Then four evil gay elemental DC Cowboy demons start chasing him. Then Eva Mendez tries to act. Then there's all this pointless CGI of swirling black shit flying through the air and then the bad guy dies because he's saw the sins of some village or something.

I'm just trying to help you people here. Don't see this film. I disliked it more than I disliked Brokeback Mountain. But at least there wasn't as many bad wigs in Brokeback, as far as I could tell. Maybe a pubic wig, maybe.

And in her time, Adrienne Barbeau could kick your pansy ass across the street - twice. I just have to make sure that fact is known. In Swamp Thing, she fucking took this heavy-ass scuba tank and fucking clocked this guy across the head, and it was the first time in cinematic history where a Latina with a French last name fought back after being chased by bad guys.

Posted by jimbo at February 22, 2007 10:44 PM

Comments

But on the other hand, my MVL stock is at an all-time high.... :-)

Posted by: Andy at February 21, 2007 11:54 PM

I have always loved Adrienne Barboobs... I mean Barbeau. Really. I think that she is very pretty. I also agree that, in her time, she could kick my pansy ass across the street. In fact, I bet she still could.

Posted by: Bubala at February 22, 2007 9:39 AM

so was it worse than the fantastic 4?

Posted by: Tim at February 22, 2007 10:34 AM

It was definitely worse than F4. I thought F4 was OK, it's saving grace was the acting from the guys who played the Thing and Johnny Storm. They were right-on. The other 2 were OK.

Posted by: jimbo at February 22, 2007 12:17 PM

"Then Eva Mendez tries to act."

I might watch it when it comes to HBO just to see this miracle of modern science.

Posted by: palochi at February 22, 2007 12:53 PM

Just let me get this straight.. just incase I missed the point.

I'm guessing you did not particulary like this film adaptation?
;-)

I felt the same way when I saw X-men 3.. the only redeeming value was Kelsey Grammar's portrayment of Hank McCoy.

Posted by: Dax at February 22, 2007 3:12 PM

What? The Orb wasn't in it??!?

Posted by: johnny at February 22, 2007 3:49 PM

Mendozzzze was worse than Natalie Portman in S.W.I.

Posted by: TSheehandc at February 22, 2007 7:48 PM

best post EVARRRRRRR!

Posted by: Paul at February 22, 2007 8:11 PM

Forget about the movie that proved a man can wear a rubber suit...go to your local comic book store and buy the Alan Moore Swamp Thing graphic novels...now that stuff will put some more white hairs on your chest real fast...creepy,creepy scary stuff....

Posted by: Jeff at February 22, 2007 9:16 PM

So is it Netflix worthy or I'm in traction and it is the only thing on TV and I can't turn the channel anyway worthy?

Posted by: Mari at February 22, 2007 10:14 PM

I'll pass on this one. Hopefully, this will kill Nick Cage's career.

Posted by: Mike at February 23, 2007 2:46 AM

Actually she had a small part in Escape from New York (1981) as "Brain's" gun-toting moll. She was pretty bad-ass.

Posted by: Josh at February 23, 2007 8:02 AM

Chris evan''s didn't save fantastic 4 in my opinion, it just made it bearable to watch

Posted by: Tim at February 23, 2007 2:56 PM

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