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January 4, 2007

various issues that smell bad

I'm not angry, I'm just half-asleep at any given moment, which translates as grumpy and curmudgeonly this time of year. On the agenda for the weekend is to get a new alarm clock, preferrably one with a buzzer as shrill as some of my coworkers, or perhaps even as irritating as a Jennifer. As I was sleeping through the soothing tones of an NPR newsperson this morning, I somnabulistically explored the idea of downloading MP3s and other sound files into an alarm clock. If we can choose our own ringtones (mostly annoying ones at that) why can't we choose our own morning alarm? Give the clock a USB port that can connect it to the Internet or a data stick, and download whatever to it. To ensure I got my ass up in the morning, I would probably put Jennifer on it, with randomly circulated delivered phrases: "Ohmigawd!" "Shut. Up." "No. Way." "OHMIGAWD I AM SOOO DRUNK!"

That would certainly get me up in the morning, but I would have to smack someone soon afterwards...

Speaking of Jennifers, my agents in the field have reported an unexpected consequence of the smoking ban: other, more foul odors are not covered by smoke any longer as the smoke stench that covered them is now gone.

Take the nasty upstairs bathrooms at JRs, for example. At least one urinal is always broken, but some drunk queen has already peed in it, so the fermentation is now detectable as the urine slowly converts to ammonia.

Then there's always at least one drunk queen who's been there since the end of his workday, drinking non-stop. And that queen has to poop sometime or another. And when she does, my agents report that the entire upstairs billiards area smells like drunk homo poop. Before January 1st, that smell may have gone covered or possibly unnoticed, but no more. In this instance, perhaps smoking could be allowed near the bathrooms to cover up the poo-smells?

Speaking of stank, I put my small ghetto tree outside because it looked better in the sun. It's artificial and doesn't photosynthesize, but I thought the ornaments looked nicer on it out there. But guess what? When you leave an artificial ghetto tree outside in the rain, it begins to smell. Who knew ghetto trees could stink? Anyhow, after it dried out, it stopped smelling so bad, but still has some kind of odd odor to it now, and not a good one. Perhaps a cat from the Cat Factory came and sprayed it with that nasty male cat spray smell. Or perhaps the pine cones on it as ornaments were rotting.

New Word & Phrases: "outsider" when referring to those who must go outside to smoke. e.g.: "Hey, where did Scott go?"

"Oh, he's an outsider, he went out to smoke."

The "Low Self-Esteam Room" is where some people at the gym who eschew their much-needed time on the treadmills or at the weights for some steamy romance in the saunas. But they're also in there with several other people of low self-esteam who could also better afford some time on the gym floor instead of the monkey business in the steam room. Or they could take it home where it belongs. I don't like slipping on piles of jizz when I want to come down from a nice workout or to de-congest my head.

Today at the U.S. Capitol there were two steps forward, one step back: the first female was sworn in as Speaker of the House, and a Muslim took his oath on the Koran. I think both acts are wonderfully progressive and I'm glad both women and Muslims are in these positions doing their things. Our country is in fact filled with people other than heterosexual white Christian males, and these people represent that true diversity. The step back today is that Massachussetts just moved to re-vote on the gay marriage amendment in their state, something I thought was in the bag. I guess not. Dear Nutbags: let's move on from the gay marriage thing. Let the gays have the partnership privilidges that you do, so we can deal with other, far more important things like good roads, cheap and easy health care, and the mining valuable resources from the moon or something.

Posted by jimbo at January 4, 2007 7:22 PM

Comments

MusicMatch has a built in alarm feature. You can set the days and times you want it to go off, and you create your own play list. It also works with most MP3 players and allows you to burn your own CDs.

Posted by: TSheehanDC at January 4, 2007 8:59 PM

Jimbo,

First, love the blog...

Second, your dreams may come true when you read about this alarm clock that allows for iPod docking and thus hearing your iPod when you wake up in the morning...

http://www.engadget.com/2005/06/15/ihomes-ih5-ipod-dock-alarm-clock-radio/

Happy New Year!

Posted by: Drew at January 4, 2007 9:16 PM

Drew...I checked out the iPod alarm and bought it. Thanks!

Posted by: jimbo at January 4, 2007 11:04 PM

I don't think anyone needs to use a religious tome for their swearing in. They are, after all, supposed to uphold the Constitution not their many varied faiths and equally ridiculous rules about not wearing clothes of two fibers, evangelizing the faith and not eating bacon. Swear on the Constitution or thin air, pick one.

I thought the smoking ban was supposed to bring Jimbo out of his hole more often, but instead he still relies on field reports from the possibly inebriated.

Posted by: copperred at January 5, 2007 12:09 AM

I didn't know homosexuals went #2 in public.

Plus, aren't all the doors removed in gay bars so no one hooks up, the unintended effect being that no one can shit either?

Posted by: kameron at January 5, 2007 12:15 AM

Gross.

Posted by: durban bud at January 5, 2007 12:20 AM

Also of interest, the Koran was once owned by Thomas Jefferson.

Posted by: Dinger at January 5, 2007 12:26 AM

"outsider"

I love that!!

Posted by: daniel at January 5, 2007 2:32 AM

Jizz on the floor? Eww! At least the boys here have the decency to take it with them when they are done.

Posted by: moby at January 5, 2007 2:52 AM

Love the Jennifer reference. I sent an excerpt to my friend Jennifer, who has often bemoaned how some of the Jennifers of the world give the name a bad, well ... name.

Posted by: Zack at January 5, 2007 9:23 AM

Jimbo, I've got the iPod alarm, you'll enjoy it although there is no way to set the volume for the alarm, so make sure you don't set it to, say, "Walking on Sunshine". Totally agree with you on the Low Self-Esteam Room. Take that shit to Crew Club, guys.

Posted by: Ivan at January 5, 2007 9:25 AM

How can you wake up to NPR by the way? Whenever I did that, it was rape, rape, rape! Every single morning for a week. I unplugged the radio and just started showing up late instead.

Posted by: copperred at January 5, 2007 11:26 AM

Regarding the use of the Koran for swearing in. In all actuallity no one uses a bible anymore to swear in for that position. Its all a mass ceremony where they promise to do their job and uphold the constitution of the united states. The bibles are only used for photo ops and press releases.

Also this particular copy of the Koran is technically not considered a "holy book" since it is not in the original Arabic language.
According to Islamic religious law, it is considered an "Interpretation" or translation of the Original Holy book and not the actual true words of the Prophet so there for not a holy book, its only holy or sacred if it was written in the language of the Prophet.


FOr music to wake you up.. "The Mob Rules" by Black Sabbath" or anything by Kittie.

Posted by: Dax at January 5, 2007 12:00 PM

Yes, alas the Massholes in the state house felt that SJC gave them no political cover to just adjourn w.o. voting on the amendment. I think its telling that the legislators voted speedily, without warning, and without any debate. However, now that we have a new governor in MA who isn't a rabid absentee asshole, I have hope that the next vote will be in our favor.

I still find the idea that the public has a right to vote on our relationships repugnant

Posted by: read_meat at January 5, 2007 3:35 PM

We need to start oppressing rich Mormons... maybe then that jerkwad will lay the f--- off...

Posted by: TOS at January 5, 2007 5:55 PM

knowing how much you love jennifers, I wondered if you've watched "Shoes by kelly"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAMiIrms9y8

Posted by: Paul at January 6, 2007 12:20 PM

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