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December 31, 2006

2006: it got better towards the end

2006 started out sucking, got worse in the middle, then got a lot better towards the end. I had a lot of self-esteem issues at the beginning of the year with a serious loss of mojo, which I regained slowly throughout the year. But in the process I re-confirmed who my good friends were and who were not. Organizing a funeral for a friend threw me a curve, and I was a lot more affected by it than I thought. But I again learned who the good people were out there, who won't always be with us.

But the weather for this town was fantastic, with a mild winter and one ski trip, a fantastic spring followed by a summer with only one awful sweaty week in there. And this winter ain't bad either. Mom visited in the spring while the weather was great, and it was good to have her here. I had several nice vacations, with a visit to Homer in Tucson, Arizona and a surprise trip to Provincetown, which was more fun than I thought it would be.

2006 was a spectacular year for beards and scruff, and it was a great year to be jimbo, with hipster and celebrity beards showing up all over the place. I honestly can't see a more scruffy year anytime in the next decade or so.

My garden was a bit of a disappointment, with too much shade both out back and in front, and my plans for a tropical paradise garden literally came up short. Next year I'll plant for shade-tolerant species.

And my hopes for a change in goverment were met and exceeded with a near-complete overhaul to a more balanced situation in this country. It took four more years for America to catch up with what I felt needed to happen. I'm hoping things do change and more work is done by our hopeful elected officials.

Here's a jimbo.info blog year in review:

No Cell Phone. Brokeback Mountain was 'OK'. Happy Lights. "Pog." Another fun visit to Tucson. All Shady Partnered Gay Men Should Wear Burquas. Mom visits Jimbo. Bingham Cup in NYC. Gays at the Farm in WV. Bad tubing trip. Friend's funeral. Laser eye surgery. Kennilworth Aquatic Gardens. Porn Star 'Staches. Provincetown trip. Cyndi Fucking Lauper. OMG Shoes. Good Tubing Trip. Maryland Rennaissance Festival. Backpacking. Carmen Electrolysis. Charlene Hilton. NC & SC & Alligators! Brine the Turkey. Wineberry Cabin. Cavemen. Pursed Lips. GWAR. You make good bottom.

As for 2007, who knows, as I don't ever project and I make my resolutions throughout the year. My jogging resolution has been going well, and I've been keeping off the chunk and am feeling fit. I think a job move is on the horizon, but I have the luxury of taking my time with that. Same career, but different location.

Posted by jimbo at 6:08 PM | Comments (7)

December 30, 2006

Suffer!

Judy TenutaJanuary approaches. But not soon enough. Soon all of you will SUFFER! Suffer as I have all these years, inhaling your toxic exhaust. Now you will tremble outside in the elements, and perhaps tremble with tiny siezures of nicotine withdrawl if I'm lucky. And I will laugh at you. I will gloat as you thrash on the floor in your petit mal writihings. SUFFER! BWA HA HAAA! You have burned me in the clubs, leading through a crowd with your cigarette raised like some sort of locomotive cowcatcher. You have burned me on the dance floor, with your reckless flailing, cigarette in hand for mere addiction security. I have watched as your cigarette smoulders, untouched, for minutes at a time. Stinking up the air I breathe, for the mere purpose of providing you some sort of chemical comfort.

And your hideous stench. I have tolerated your stench in this city for over 10 years, and I am sick of it. It has kept me from going out, it has burned my eyes and my throat, and made my voice hoarse. When you speak to me, you blow your smoke in my face as you talk, your pollution seeping out of your nose. I have smelled your stench in my skin, my hair, my clothes. Your stench has followed me home. I can even smell it in my home, and I must shower my body clean again, and cloister my clothing to the other side of my unit, your stench is so pervasive, unctious and cloying.

Come to Marlboro CountryI worked in a bar once, for a short time. As the evening progressed and the patrons became more and more drunk, their chain smoking increased, until by 2am they were lighting one up as they would put one out. And again, most of the time the sticks would just be smouldering, doing nothing but putting smoke into the air. By closing time the smoking hit a fever pitch, with the regular patrons around the bar sucking frantically for yet more smoke with their yellowed fingers. When I went home, my blown snot would have ashy flecks in it. How attractive.

But now you must suffer as I have, and I don't pity you in the least - as you sweat outside in the summer heat, or shiver in the winter. For you now must suffer as I have, and it truly puts joy in my heart. Suffer. Alone. Outside. With your addiciton and your slow suicide. Just don't bring it to me ever again.

BWA HA HAAAAA!

Smoking by the window doesn't help - it just blows it inside. Smoking just outside the front door doesn't help either...your smoke is getting sucked inside too. You can't smoke on the beach, because you're always upwind, and again, you stink. I realize all your nerve endings and sensory receptors are either burned out or clogged with tar, but for just a moment, think about how your habit smells to others?

Whiney Libertarian arguments about our freedoms being at risk by this ban are all weak. I should just stay home, you say, because it's my choice and I shouldn't force it on others? Oh, OK, smoker bars only then! In this case, I give you a hearty "Fuck off!" because the clean air revolution is soon in full effect.

Suffer.

Posted by jimbo at 12:22 PM | Comments (11)

December 29, 2006

follow the law

I don't know what my problem has been lately. I had another outburst of Lawful Neutral behavior today, this time at a bad taxi driver. Perhaps 10 days off in The DC is too much, and I should make a point of leaving during that time, at least somewhere outside the beltway. Or perhaps it's time for a career change, and I should join the MWPD? But then I'd be upset and pissed off all the time, exposed to all the wrongs that must be righted. Then again I get upset when typography, media relations and graphic design laws are broken too, so really, would there be much of a difference in my attitude?

Anyhow, I biked down to the National Mall meet Skwurl for a much-needed run to work off some steam and all that meat from my birthday feast of roast beast. After a nice run and gossip session, I ride up to my gym, then to Safeway for some groceries after all that. Along the way I must avoid pedestrians walking on the road, jaywalking when I have right-of-way, walking in the bike lanes, six abreast on the sidewalks, meandering while talking on cell phones, and children who run out into traffic, all of which I must avoid in addition to crazy-ass taxi drivers and out-of-town drivers terrified by the circles.

Going east on T, I stop at the light at the intersection with 15th Street, NW, and I see another crazy-ass taxi driver stopping in the far lane, not pulling over to allow for through traffic. If that wasn't bad enough, when the light for him turns red, thus green for me, he keeps inching forward into the intersection, turning his wheels for an obvious illegal U-turn, or left turn from the far lane into the one-way T Street. I hate it when anyone inches into the pedestrian crossing, but by then he was even into the auto lane, and kind of just ignoring right-of-way through traffic, including me.

I am the Authoritay!I scream out, "WHAT THE FUCK?! WE HAVE LAWS IN THIS TOWN!!!" He rolls down the window, seemingly ignorant about what my problem might be. I repeat again, "WE HAVE LAWS IN THIS TOWN. FOLLOW THE LAW." I think I was using the face I used when I had to do an elementary school teaching practicum, one that withered Girl Scouts and unruly children at a glance. My eyes were probably bugging out, and the taxi passengers looked terrified. From his open window he replied meekly, "ok."

I am the authoritay.

Oh, by the way - 17th Street is officially over. Yesterday I noticed the CyberStop Cafe, a 10-year insitution on the street, was emptied of its contents. Next door is a Baskin-Robbins/Dunkin' Doughnuts store. Many of the locally-owned shops are being replaced. DuPont Circle was over years ago, and now 17th St. has succumbed. 14th Street is where it's at now, gurls.

I think the televised execution of Saddam is a bit barbaric. Didn't we quit public executions a couple of millennia ago? I won't be watching.

Posted by jimbo at 7:26 PM | Comments (12)

Chupã de Cãbrã

Thanks y'all for the numerous birthday wishes, presents and presence. 36 is the new gay 23. I got a Lance Bass N*Sync bobblehead as a gift! I'm going to stuff it up my ass and see if it still gets any media attention.

Before packing the house at 30-Degrees/Cobalt, a smaller group of friends went to Fogo de Chão, a newish restaurant in DC where fine cuts of meat are served constantly, Gaúcho-style. I wish I could think of something smarmy and Brazillian to write in the subject header, something no one understands but me and a few Gaúcho, but I'm still sluggish from the meal. It was great food, but y'all had better save a trip to that joint for something very, very special, as the prices were quite steep. While the meat was very delicious, I particularly enjoyed the beets from the salad bar, and some very yummy portabello mushrooms. Mmmm. I don't eat that much meat anymore, and I was kind of wary of eating too much and getting ill. And you can eat waaaay too much meat there. Carl was the winner at the table, having eaten at least whole 2 cows, 3 chickens and a calf.

The garbage pile across the street has mysteriously disappeared, even though the trash dudes don't come until Friday. I wonder if it was DPW or embarrassed neighbors?

Aside from cleaning up garbage, on the 23rd I went out for a rare appearance at Remington's with a buncha squirrels. Mr. Bartender's rep for serving stiff drinks was confirmed. I may show up more often once the smoking ban comes into effect.

On Christmas Day I had a nice dinner with a buncha bears, again with great food and furry company. The highlight of the evening was a special chemical "rainbow log" put onto the fire which riveted a surprising amount of people for a long time.

I think for New Year's I'm going to spend a very subdued time with a small group at a mellow restaurant. Some skiing may be in order after that. I think I return to work on the 3rd, having been off since the 23rd.

Posted by jimbo at 4:45 AM | Comments (6)

December 28, 2006

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday to Me!

I was into bears from an early age. Here's me as a babe playing "Dutch Oven" with my teddy bear.

I am 36 today.

The guy above is not me, I just thought he was hot and festive-looking. Time to party tonight!

Posted by jimbo at 1:38 AM | Comments (42)

December 27, 2006

Happy Feet – No Gay Penguins

I may soon get this posted to Queer Beacon, but wanted to get the jimbo.info review out to you to make sure you don't go see such a schitzo film.

An official holiday season panel of two gay men screening the animated feature ‘Happy Feet’ unearthed no evidence of gay penguins in the film. While there is a message of the importance of being happy with your individuality amongst sameness, if there was a specifically “gay” subtext in there, our panel missed it. Lots of people feel different, gays among them, but it doesn’t mean this movie is pushing any gay agenda. Think ‘Footloose’ with penguins and you’ll get the idea.

The film is about an emperor penguin named “Mumble” who was born without a distinctive “heartsong,” but he does have an uncontrollable habit of tap dancing in lieu of the ability to sing. This leads to his inevitable exile from the penguin colony, which sends him on a journey of self-discovery and exploration. On his journey Mumble meets voracious predators, friendly penguins and humans.

The movie opens trying to be like an Antarctic ‘Lion King’ with a trippy visit from a spectral ancestral penguin-spirit in the opening sequence. That was just plain weird. Then it turns around and tries to take a crack at being a clever Baz Luhrmann musical, replete with attempts at witty pop-culture medleys, but fails at this as many of the songs are too obscure to immediately recognize. Plus it’s been done before, and using computer-generated penguins doesn’t help deliver the genre quite right. Then it gets serious, adding an eco-drama element, but by then we’re all quite confused about what the film is trying to be. PowerPoint presentations are best delivered by wooden former politicians, rather than by fuzzy CGI penguins.

As I watched the movie it struck me that some Hollywood executive saw ‘March of the Penguins’ and thought some of them acted like various international stereotypes, depicted with bad accents by a long list of voice-over celebrities. Since the exec thought Robin Williams was funny in ‘Aladdin’ he had to include him too. Williams is the voice of two characters in the film whose accents are often indistinguishable, and I felt embarrassed for him as I did when he chose to be in ‘RV’. I guess he has kids to send to college.

I wouldn’t take the niece and nephew to go see ‘Happy Feet’, and the other gay panelist - a children’s CGI movie fan - wasn’t impressed either. We both walked away thinking that the film tried to deliver too many messages and missed out on the fun along the way. Just when the music started fly, some morality lesson was put in. Even the spectacular computer-generated landscapes were interrupted by one persona change or another. Throughout most of the film, even the kids in the theater weren’t laughing much, and I enjoyed my Cookie Dough Bites and Cherry Coke a lot more than the film.

The only gay content in ‘Happy Feet’ was the inclusion of a k.d. lang song in the soundtrack. And possibly one soft-spoken penguin in the colony could have been interpreted as gay, but without further cloacal and behavioral examinations of the bird, we are unsure if this was in fact a gay penguin.

Posted by jimbo at 7:32 PM | Comments (3)

December 24, 2006

cleaning up and taking names

After a nice workout on the day of Christmas Eve with my new weekend workout partner Martini Gurlatalova, I went home to clean up the dead plants in my front yard, and some of the garbage in front and behind my house. There's been an awful lot of litter in the area for some reason, maybe because it's cold or something, but I got tired of looking at it so I picked it up myself.

The contant piles of illegally-dumped garbage in front of the derelict property at 1819 10th St., NW (I call it "The Cat Factory") is getting out of control too. Since no one lives there, more than a few disreputable neighbors and passers-by tend to dump anything they don't want to deal with there, instead of calling for large-item pick-up or bagging it themselves like they should. I caught one resident dumping his old computer printer and called him out on it. In DC, you cannot put boxes out on the curb, as the DPW will not pick it up. They won't pick up unbagged printers, vacuum cleaners or old window unit air conditioners either. They will only pick up bagged garbage that is put in the Supercan trash bin that everyone is provided. And if you don't already have one you can get one from DPW for free.

Earlier last week I noticed someone had dumped several large boxes out in front of The Cat Factory. Of course it wasn't picked up, and by the end of the week either a dog or a homeless person went through the boxes and spread it all around. Then it rained and turned all the garbage to mush. When I came home, either from the MetroRail station or from a workout, I had to look at all that crap, and I just didn't feel like looking at it any longer. So I picked it all up, bagged most of it, and took some notes.

Judging by some of the shipping labels on the various boxes of satellite dishes, furniture and other items, it seems that the following neighbors are lazy-ass mofos who feel entitled to let other people pick up their crap. Here are the guilty parties:

Lawrence Theodore Greene
937 Westminster St., NW
Washington, DC 20001

Herschel & Dorothy Bagley
936 T St., NW
Washington, DC 20001

Not only am I going to make a formal complaint about the owner of 1819 10th St property about excessive trash and debris on private property to the Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs (DCRA) (202) 442-4610, but I'm also going to call whomever I need to to report illegal dumping. I kept 5 of the shipping labels and forms as proof, and took some pictures:
garbage
Garbage left on the curb outside the derelict 1819 10th St., NW property, known by me as "The Cat Factory."
1819 10th St., NW DC
The Cat Factory at 1819 10th St., NW DC, 20001.
Dorothy Bagley's Garbage
Miss Dorothy and husband Herschel leave their garbage out someone else's curb for other people to deal with. They live at 936 T St., NW Washington, DC 20001.
More Dorothy Bagley's Garbage
More of Miss Dorothy Bagley's garbage. See also Lawrence Theodore Greene at 937 Westminster St., NW DC 20001.

The photos were taken on Christmas Eve 12/24/2006.

Posted by jimbo at 5:25 PM | Comments (9)

have a scruffy holiday

A Scruffy Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!
HairyJ on dudesnude
Just like HairyJ above, celebrate your time away from work by not shaving. 'Tis the season to be scruffy. Fa la la la la, la la la woof.

Posted by jimbo at 12:06 PM | Comments (11)

December 22, 2006

he make good bottom

Despite a frustrating and exhausting day at work, I went out for a bite to eat at Health Bar last night with Gurl. There was much gossip to catch up with and I hadn't spent quality Gurl Time in a while. We caught up and looked at the cute Results boys passing by, and I reminded Gurl to remind me never to never go on a date at Health Bar as my eyes wander too easily.

Anyway, Gurl asked me if I would mind walking home with him and stopping by the relatively new gay bookstore down the street to pick up a few things and I said, "Muh-huh, I was thinkin' the same thing..." So we cleared up the check and went on our way...

Like some other people who live in the area, we are both entertained by the proprietor the store as he is a plentiful font of pornographic gossip and is fun to try to understand. We made our usual perusals of the wares, and Gurl finally 'popped' the question, "So do you have some of that really good stuff behind the counter..."

Jake Dakota in: RANGERAs our transactions were being made, Gurl pointed up to the 'New Release' rack behind the counter and commented, "Oooh...gurl, check it out: 'Ranger'!" I chuckled a little and said, "Oh, my friend TJ likes that guy, they met at Folsom."

The shopkeeper excitedly pipes up, "Oh, dey met ad Fossom! He in heere yestahday weed hees paadnuh! He have beard like you an he so shy!"

"What?!" I didn't quite understand what he said, so he repeated himself slower, with anunciation this time. I replied, "Yeah, he really likes Jake Dakota."

"Oh, he so hot and shy, he makea good bottom in porn movie."

"What?!" Again, I kinda didn't quite catch what he said, but then it started to sink in. Shopkeeper repeats himelf again: "He so hot and have-a shy face, he make a hot bottom in porn movie. I try to tehl heem dat."

Now most people don't get to hear a deep gut laugh out of me, but that's the best line I'd heard all week, and I let out a loud guffaw right there in the store.

evil gremlinSo Gurl starts moving out of the store, and Shopkeeper says to me, "So, you like animal?"

"What?!" Again, I wasn't prepared for what I thought he just said. I replied, "Umm...I like animals as pets, in aquariums and looking at them in the outdoors..."

"No, I have someting behind counter, good deal just for you. Cute pet!" He pulls a wicker box from under the register, and I hear a soothing, trilling noise from within.

"Now, you must unnahstan tree tings: Furst - no open popper after midnight, bad ting happen when you do dat. Animal go from teddy bear to angertwink. Secon - no spill lube on animal. Bad ting happen, you get more angertwink! Tree - no turn on multi-spectrum bright light on teddy bear, he no like Happy Light..."

Posted by jimbo at 8:53 AM | Comments (16)

December 21, 2006

happy solstice, goddammit!

Aaagh! The shortest day of the year! I'm so depressed and enraged and disappointed with everybody!

Just kidding. Happy Winter Solstice. Go burn a wicker man, it'll make you feel good.

OMG, Transformers. I almost pooped my pants when I watched this trailer, hat tip to hot bearded geek Chris. Then I watched it again and my head exploded because it was just too much for this geek to handle. Screen shots and sneak previews here. Will somebody bury me in a snowbank to simulate suspended animation like Butters did to Cartmann in South Park, until July?

Proof of gay Daywalker / Ginger Kid conspiracy here. Not work safe.

I'm Alive. I'm Alive. I'm Alive. I'm Alive.
O.N-J. is Alive
Gawd, I feel inspired, must be the solstice or a muse running around behind my back...

Posted by jimbo at 11:43 AM | Comments (10)

December 20, 2006

school's out for winter

I finished that damn paper yesterday, albeit one day late, despite the holiday spirits of distraction and procrastination tempting me every step of the way. In one case 'The Santa Clause II' did win out during a couch sitting with The Disney Channel I'm afraid.

The topic I chose for my Marketing Management course final paper was How Crayola Uses Promotional Tools to Motivate Their Consumers. I researched and wrote about how they use samples, coupons, rebates, gifts, prizes, contests, tie-in promotions, cross-promotions, price reductions, premium offers and point of purchase (POP) displays to elevate their branding visibility and sell more product. Scintillating stuff, isn't it?

Now that this class is over, I am fairly certain I do not want to be a marketer to sell a particular product or service. I think I would feel like a snake oil salesman, and I have to be passionate about an object in order to market it. I just can't get that passionate about sales items, and have to really stretch at choosing marketing research topics I'm remotely interested in (Crayola, Dairy Queen). I'm more able to be passionate about concepts or ideas, thus leading me to believe I'd be a better agent of social change rather than a marketer. It was evident when I was taking my Rhetoric of Social Movements and Persuasion classes that I'd rather move how people think than move a product. However, changing people's attitudes, beliefs and feelings is much, much harder than getting them to buy into a product. While the degree I'm going for is an MS in Management with a Public Relations Specialization, I think many of the skills and ideas are transferrable. Plus, it's free with where I work, so I'm not complaining.

Anyhow, this semester's class (I take one class each semester) was significant in that one of our classmates was deployed early in the semester and had to drop the class, but unfortunately she perished in Iraq. Marine Maj. Megan M. McClung was an embedded media liason for the Marine Corps, and was apparently an enthusiastic marathon runner as well. She is the first female Marine killed in Iraq. I did not know her or correspond with her, but I did read some of her comments in our class discussions. It makes me sad that people are getting blown up over there, because I'm still not clear about why we went there in the first place. Good people there are dying every day, both American and Iraqi, and I'm not sure why.

Next semester's class is Organizational Leadership and Decision Making, which sounds like a class I've already taken, Organizational Management. Oh well, all of these classes are starting to blur together by now, which I guess is the point.

Posted by jimbo at 12:23 PM | Comments (9)

December 19, 2006

buffet table rules of engagement

Just got back from another holiday party, this time at work. So many crimes in so little time. While it's fresh in my mind, let me reiterate the rules that you must follow while at a social engagement that has a buffet line:

Keep the Line Moving - Ladies: the caloric value of your chosen food item will not decrease depending on how long you mince over the hors d'oeuvres. Select. Shovel. Move. The men behind you are hungry.

This is Not USA for Africa - Guys: don't pile up your plate like it's a prize for winning a round on Survivor. The weight of the food you've picked out shouldn't bend a steel plate. Once the women have gone through the buffet line, the line will die down and you can return again for another small portion.

Step Away from the Table - After your plate is filled, move away from the buffet table, buffet line, or punchbowl. Do not crowd any of these areas and avoid starting up conversations near them. Other people must feed, and clearly you have been feeding for some time. Get out of their way. The same goes for a keg.

Don't Save the Titanic - If the tongs just slipped into the dip, or the ladle into the punch, don't fish it out with your fork or fingers. Don't worry about it. Leave it there and the host will (hopefully) retrieve it in a more sanitary fashion and find a new one.

No Shop Talk - Do not talk about work, religion, politics, sex or sports at a holiday party. If you can't think of what else to talk about, you shouldn't be in that social situation and didn't deserve to be invited. And for God's sake you queens out there don't fucking talk about real estate at a party in DC. It is a tired, tired subject.

No More Carrots, Broccoli, Celery or Cauliflower - Please, have mercy, can we be creative? I've had enough carotine and vitamin C this month alone to blow out the kidneys of most small mammals. Let's just avoid any vegetables with the letter 'C' in them and see what happens, OK?

And anyone answering a cell phone while at the buffet table proper will be slain on sight with a dull brie knife.

Posted by jimbo at 4:05 PM | Comments (9)

December 17, 2006

Idiopathic Gluteal Hyperhydrosis

When we play D&D we will often round-robin at other player's homes, and this time it was at Jon's in one of those old DC apartment buildings with beautiful architecture but inefficient steam heat. As in, when the heat is on you bake throughout the entire winter. Anyhow, it was hot in his apartment and I was starting to get Swamp Ass. One of our players is an MD, so we asked him what the official medic's terminology might be, and he said it was Idiopathic Gluteal Hyperhydrosis. So there you have it.

It was an insane weekend where everyone was rushing around going to six gazillion holiday parties, myself included. Blowoff was very fun, and I apparently became 'The Arbiter of Shirtlessness', trying to get everyone in a 10' radius of myself to be shirtless at any given time. I was successful and had minions assisting me throughout the evning. Perhaps I'm an 8th level cleric with access to the spell Shirtless, 10' Radius or something. Will save DC 20 or be forced to remove shirt.

All this spellcasting has me very tired but I have homework and a paper to complete before tomorrow evening. Joy.

Quote of the evening at Blowoff, I don't remember from whom: "Jimbo: your breath is always minty fucking fresh."

Posted by jimbo at 8:58 PM | Comments (6)

December 16, 2006

GWMH* Seeks Caveman

Here's the toys for tots gift that I almost kept for myself. I want a wooly mammoth for my birthday!
thunderfoot and jimbo
*Gay White Mammoth Hunter

Posted by jimbo at 7:25 PM | Comments (10)

December 15, 2006

*dammit, people! III

Cranky Friday Post. I shot a lot of my cranky load earlier in the week with my rants about WSC, so today's rage might be kind of weak:

Dammit, people - stop referring to the film Xanadu as a 'flop'.

Dammit, people - snowflakes have six points, not four or eight! Are you celebrating salt or octane or something?

Dammit, people - I don't have any spare change. If I did, and gave it to the dozen or so people who ask me for some every day, I'd be down at least $20 every day. And I certainly won't give extra change to you, the guy standing outside the liquor store. But I'm sure the skittish recent immigrants from Virginia cough it up regularly, or you wouldn't be here in the first place.

Dammit, people - get your damn car out of the pedestrian zone. It's the area with the white stripes on the road. It's not for you, it's for me. Here, let me wipe my oily forehead on your nice wax job. There's a nice streak now...

Dammit, people - speaking of my oily forehead, the parts that aren't oily get exzema. Yes, I know there's a visible rash, but do you have to keep staring at it during our conversation?

Dammit, people - Answer your damn cell phone. I know you're screening your calls, because I see you answering other people's phone calls on the MetroRail car. Why do you have to call me back two days later? Subscribe to immediacy if you have access to immediacy.

Dammit, people - let me state again that our organization's website is for marketing and reference, not a storage area for your personal files. That's what a share drive, or an Intranet is for. Again, the meeing minutes or your lecutre notes are not going on the website. I'll be fired before I create a shitty website.

Dammit, people - use of the multicolored hand motif in diversity programs and organizations is sooo late 1990s.

Dammit, people - stop clipping your body hair! It's a waste of time and it destroys the American family.

Dammit, people - No, I won't scan 4 pages of double-spaced 12pt. sized text just because you're too lazy to re-type it.

Dammit, people - oh gee, thanks for the limited partnership benefits at work. Now longtime partners can check out books from the library and have access to the campus golf course. Meanwhile, heterosexual partners who just got married at a drunken union at Elvis' chapel last week in Vegas have health and life insurance coverage? And you expect to retain good employees this way? Suck my dick.

Dammit, people - I'll bitch on my blog if I want to - cuz it's my blog. Venting is part of this blog's purpose.

* After reading previous "Goddammit, people!" blog posts, some practicing polytheistic Mayans e-mailed me with the question, "Which god would you have us damn the people?" and it ocurred to me that I was being insensitive to blog readers of other non-God religions. Satanists, animal totemists, polytheists, followers of the Norse pantheon, etc., all have other preferences as to which deity they prefer to have smite impolite or insentitive people deserving of wrath. To the Mayans I said, "Why don't you have Mixtli ("The Dark Cloud"), the child god of storm clouds and downpours, smite the people?" And they thought that was a good idea, and in turn I promised them to be non-denominational in my future blog entry castigations.

Posted by jimbo at 11:42 AM | Comments (9)

December 14, 2006

bald guys are totally hot

Damn, you people really got the hate for WSC! Seems like I'm not alone in my disappointment with this lame institution. Sounds like an opportunity for growth and some easy competition for a new club that could corner the market on service easy-peasy. Again, Washington Sports Clubs sux donkey dick and I'm looking into the whole Fitness Network thing. I've had it with your donkey-dick sucking customer service.

Can't control those errant whiskers? Is your partner complaining your beard is too wiry? Then check out Kiehl's Silk Groom Serum, originally intented for the hair up top, but I found it softens, sparkles and makes a beard smell good too! Hint: my bottle is running low and my birthday is coming up December 28 and I discovered the Kiel's in Georgetown has discontinued their in-store sales of the Silk Groom Serum...

Speaking of hair up top, check out the ad Joe.My.God highlights that some shallow queen promoted to HX magazine. Seriously, if you think you need to feel like that because you are bald or are going bald, I'd save your money for counseling instead. Bald guys are hot and they are essentially human sperm cannons since their bodies are so full of virility, masculinity and testosterone. And they are more often furry below the collar as well. Therefore they are hot. I have spoken, so it is true.

White guys with afros are totally hot too. Wade Barrett is a woofy soccer player for the Houston Dynamos who shares my last name and is a white person with an afro. Again, my birthday is coming up...wouldn't a Houston Dynamos jersey with my last name on it be a witty and thoughtful gift? If you can't get that, get me Wade to come sit on Kris Kringle's lap.

Posted by jimbo at 2:33 PM | Comments (8)

December 13, 2006

Washington Sports Clubs sux donkey dick

Last night I had the worst time in a fitness club ever. I could have saved my bitching for Friday's "Goddammit, people!" rant, but it was so bad it couldn't wait. Plus, when you fill out comment cards for their clubs, call thier corporate offices, or file complaints through their website you get no response. So here's a big "You suck!" to this shitty business, and I hope they implode due to shitty management and bad customer service.

It was 6pm and already crowded at the 1211 Connecticut Ave., NW Washington Sports Clubs when I arrived at the downstairs weight room floor. In addition to all the regular gym members, there were 5 personal trainers with clients, many of them monopolizing large amounts of floor space or up to two machines at one time. I wanted to do my skateboard balance board exercise to warm up before my leg workout and prep my legs for snowboarding, so I found a space in front of the cable machine to do my balancing act. While I wasn't actually using the cable machine, I was using the space in front of it. As I was trying to balance on my board, a trainer nearby simply came in right behind me as I was doing the tricky exercise, and started to adjust the cable machine for her client, then actually asked me to move. I got off my board to ask her, "Well, where aren't you people around here? There's 5 trainers on the floor right now!" My grammar was poor but I'm sure my point was lost on the pushy, rude trainer. The rest of my workout went all right, but when I went to get a towel, they were completely out! This is a normal phenomenon on Mondays, but unusual for a Tuesday. I waited a bit, then decided to use my little hand towel to dry off after my shower instead. As I entered the locker room, a building alarm from somewhere started to go off, and kept going through the rest of my ice cold shower. Yes, no hot water, just like my Peace Corps experience in Kazakstan! Since I was meeting someone after my workout I didn't want to show up stinky, so I just went through it taking an ice cold shower. Seeing I pay monthly dues for club membership, it would be nice to have hot water at least, but I guess this is the 3rd world or something. Oh, and I forgot to add, while I was waiting for a towel, I noticed four trainers or WSC employees in various corners of the club, all talking on cell phones. Could they perhaps have spent their time actually working, helping to get towels, or riding a stationary bike that could power a generator that heats the water in the club instead? Management in that club needs to get fired, as the quality of service and the equipment has dropped over the years. There are plenty of people out there who could do a much better job, who would like a job.

Posted by jimbo at 10:53 AM | Comments (17)

December 12, 2006

a request...

Anyone out there in movieland, L.A. or NYC who has connections to the promo/marketing department that is handling the upcoming Transformers movie? I want to get a movie poster or pre-release memorabalia for my brother for Christmas, as both of us have been fans for years. Well into our late teens, we were both happy as pie to get Tranformer toys for Christmas. Drop me an e-mail if you have any connections...

This Just In: I got a poster, thanks for your help!

Posted by jimbo at 10:38 PM | Comments (3)

obama drama, blamma llamma obamma

So like, am I going to have to hear/see/feel/sense the presence of Obama every single day until election time, and then for four years therafter? Hello! Overexposed, party of one! I am already tired of seeing him in the news! I don't know much about any of the potential candidates, but I'm already sick of it all. Maybe it's because of where I live. I'm not knockin' anybody's politics, as I don't know much at the moment. I'm neither for/or against Obama at the moment, I'm only against seeing him every day. Note to Democratic Party: don't squirt your Money Shot too soon, mmmkay?

Mental Note #1: Unless the guy is a foot fetishist who can cook, don't schedule a date after running with The Squirrel*. Because all I wanted to do was lay down, get fed, then get a foot massage.

Mental Note #2: NOTHING is open in DC after 10pm on a Monday night.

I haven't watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy in a while, but I always thought that I would marry Ted the food guy, because he's got a dry sense of humor and he can cook. Kyan would be my fuckbuddy, as nelly hairburners are wild in bed (I'm totally serious..., and he's occasionally scruffy. I'd have Catty Coffee with Carson every Sunday morning for the gossip in review, which would be fun. I'd take Jai out with me dancing, and as for that Thom guy...ummm...I guess I'd have him help me buy pillows or something.

Everyone go visit this blog and tell Chris he's totally hot with that beard. I'd be a Durrrty Mackerel with him for hours...

I thought it was the tranny bass from the Potomac that was making me gay, but apparently tofu is the devil's food. So now I'm confused...the author calls soy a "devil's food", so does that mean I can't eat Devil's Food Cake either? Howabout Lactaid? Is that OK? Would the author rather have me a flatulent heterosexual instead of a gas-free homo? There are tradeoffs you know...

*Note to readers: "The Squirrel" is formerly "Piranha Sean" and "The Good Sean". He's just more of a squirrel.

Posted by jimbo at 8:25 AM | Comments (7)

December 11, 2006

GWAR is for Everyone

It was a weekend for fine performance art, with a Saturday night outing to Crack, and then a Sunday night concert at the 9:30 Club for like my sixth witnessing of GWAR. GWAR always guarantees a life-affirming experience replete with body fluids and good clean Americana, up there on my list with Norman Rockwell and Disney family classics. A first on my list was seeing a cute young heavy metal gay couple who were snuggling throughout the whole concert. I told them they were cute. It was a good vision of the future to see gay kids enjoying something outside the usual fare offered to the ghettoized urban experience.

Some more pictures from November's trip to North and South Carolina, taken by photographic genius BlogStar Brettie. Here's me establishing first contact with intelligent life at an Exxon station:
first contact
I'm street like that:
word.
We stopped at South of the Border, which was a cinderblock hell of tourist flotsam and jetsam. Here's me and Chip atop the Giant Sombrero:
Sombrero Gurls
Tech genius Piranha Sean tore himself away from his busy social life to help me diagnose my printer/computer problem. With a simple deselection of the 'Pause Printing' option he restored my computer's ability to connect to my printer. He is a frikkin' computer wizard!

The quote from the weekend goes to Carl, who stated, "Dating this time of year is like HR: nobody's hiring in December."

Posted by jimbo at 12:05 AM | Comments (7)

December 9, 2006

I AM happy, dammit!

Basking in the glow of the Happy Light:
Dammit, I'm happy!
I've been growing the beard out a bit longer to be in the holiday spirit, so I look like a younger Kris Kringle. Come sit on Santa's lap.

Posted by jimbo at 3:32 PM | Comments (13)

December 8, 2006

goddammit, people II

Cranky Friday Post:

Goddammit, people - don't ask me if room 1202 is a particular named lecture hall...why don't you go down one flight of stairs and check yourself?

Goddammit, people - stop changing your e-mail address, URL or redirects every month. And you whine that no one links to you anymore? We can't find you anymore, because you're so frikkin' schitzo. What's the problem? Do you think I have nothing better to do than to correct links all day?

Goddammit, people - don't ask me why someone didn't sign the proper release form. I gave it to them, with a pen! It's not my job to persuade them to sign the damn thing. If it's so important to you, make them sign it yourself.

Goddammit, people - you chew gum like a cow - are you sure you're gay?

Goddammit, people - when you stop blogging once you get a boyfriend, then start up again when you break up, with a whiney blog entry no less, I wonder if that isn't how you treat your friends too... News Flash: a friend's disappearance due to getting a boyfriend is really, really irritating, and somewhat telling as well.

Goddammit, people - the waste management professionals will not pick up your goddamn boxes. Crush them and put them in a garbage bag. This isn't Fairfax.

Goddammit, people - what kind of diva do you think you are, Andy Talyor? Duran Duran is gonnna take back Warren Cuccurullo in a second - again. And you look scary like Keith Richards anyway. Nice job on that 80s gymnastics movie sountrack, by the way.

Goddammit, people - no one is going to read the notes from the staff meeting if I put it on the website. The website is for marketing and IMPORTANT information. Are you serious?

Goddammit, people - DO NOT knock incessantly on my door before Noon on a Saturday or Sunday morning!

Goddammit, people - stop torturing dogs!

Posted by jimbo at 12:32 PM | Comments (10)

December 7, 2006

attack of the ginger kid bloggers

I added two new Ginger Kids* named Mike to my blogroll: The Barometer and Read Meat. Both are rather woofy, in my opinion, as I have no irrational fear of Ginger Kids. I even dated a Ginger Kid two summers ago. But 2 Ginger Kids named Mike who blog is kinda wierd. Think it's a conspiracy? Carl and 'Boo don't scare me though. Go check 'em out.

Daniel Craig isn't really a Ginger Kid, but damn he looks hot with a beard:
007: The Bear Who Loved Me

Wah, wah, woe is me: high turnover at work, and our Evil Lunch Coven of girls is now almost completely disbanded. Soon, after only 3 years there, I will have seniority. As my job is kinda different from most people's work, I'm mostly immune to a lot of drama that affects my coworkers, but it's still a bummer to see good people go.

In the climate control department, yet more drama. Our boiler was altered this fall so I could supposedly control my own heat. I can, and it's been nice and toasty in my basement in times of recent cold snaps. However, I'm not just controlling my own heat, but the upstairs neighbors too, who have apparently been boiling alive (heh, heh...). As evidenced by last year's troubles, they'd prefer to have no heat at all. I don't do that anymore, I served my time on the Siberian steppe and don't put up with home temps under 65. So more adjustments to the controls will be made.

It is finals time and I've written a bunch of papers, with one more to go. This of course happens at the same time as a work crunch, and then there's tons of meetings and holiday parties to deal with too, so it's kind of a stressy time. Plus it sucks to get out of work in the dark, making a trip to the gym very challenging. Anyhow, many of my classes are kind of merging together in content, and I was able to rewrite an old paper and turn it in, which saved a lot of time.

Oh, and my printer works, but does not respond to documents sent to it. This seemed to happen right after I installed my new bitchin' monitor. I sense a conflict here, and reinstalled the printer driver, but it still doesn't respond. Yep, I checked the cable connections too. Any suggestions on how to help get my computer to talk to my printer again?

* The term "Ginger Kid" is a pop-culture reference to a hilarious South Park episode where Cartmann says that all Ginger Kids are creepy and possible 'Daywalkers', meaning undead vampire-like people. It turns out that what Cartmann says is true, and all the Ginger Kids begin to take over the world.

Posted by jimbo at 9:06 PM | Comments (10)

December 6, 2006

'Trans Fats' Banned in NYC

Transexual/Transvestite chaser/gainer community up in arms.

Miss Eartha Rotunda, a transexual activist who clocks in at 450 pounds, contacted Reuters News Service on behalf of the New York City organization 'Trans Fats and Friends'. She demands equal rights for the "plus-sized" intersex, transexual and transvestites who want to remain in the city and stated, "We will fight. We will remain here in our beloved city, and no one will be able to move us." The NYPD is currently searching for bulldozer, dump truck and crane contractors to assist in removing the Trans Fats from the city.

On a more serious note, a big shout-out to rich lesbian Mary Cheney, who is with child, and secure in her finances to care for the child, thanks to her father's political connections and financial status. Thanks a lot for taking the fight to your dad, since you have enough money to take care of your child's health insurance and potential legal and custody battles, so why should you care about the benefits of marriage? Hey, you're a Republican, so who cares about lesser people who didn't have the sense to be born rich? You see Mary, other kids who didn't grow up with rich/corrupt parents don't have these luxuries, but I suppose you don't have enough perspective to be empathic enough towards these people, because you're a short-sighted myopic Republican. For you see, not everyone in America is as rich as you, and can't afford legal protection to ensure they keep their child, and they can't afford covering insurance for their partner, since it's illegal in many states to allow a long time partner to get mutual health benefits. Thanks a lot for your help, Mary.

Posted by jimbo at 8:54 AM | Comments (8)

December 5, 2006

the trough man: myth or reality?

The man in the urinal trough at the DC Eagle - truth or urban legend?

Discuss.

Mom, don't read the comments, OK?

Jimbo's nature word of the day: altricial, meaning generally helpless, as in a baby robin or sparrow. The antonym is precocious, meaning prematurely developed, as in a duckling ready to swim right after hatching.

"Piranha (Good) Sean is quite the precocious young lad - he knows the story out on the town, ya know?"

"Lookit that circuit queen stuck in a K-hole! She's kinda altricial at the moment..."

Piranha Sean is not stuck in a K-hole, and neither is my mom, fyi.

Posted by jimbo at 12:29 PM | Comments (19)

December 4, 2006

purse your lips

Hi, I'm TJ:
purse those lips
Proof: here, here and here.

Posted by jimbo at 7:31 AM | Comments (10)

December 3, 2006

gestation period of a typical half-giant

Ultimate geek quote from tonight's D&D game:

Jon: "...well, it depends on how long my half-giant is pregnant with the child..."
Jimbo: "I'll have to check with my contacts about that."
Gurl: "Who the hell do you know that knows how long a half-giant would be pregnant for?"

Posted by jimbo at 8:36 PM | Comments (3)

December 2, 2006

stakeout

In this photo, taken back in October, Sgt. Brett Parson of the DC MPD Gay and Lesbian Liason Unit is having a stakeout behind Charlene Hilton's hair.
Charlene and Brett
Photo by Gurl. I love the look on Brett's face.

Posted by jimbo at 2:46 PM | Comments (6)

December 1, 2006

goddammit, people

Cranky Friday Post:

Goddammit, people - stop hiding behind a laptop when giving a lecture, presentation or prose reading. Hello, Comm101!? The laptop is a shield between you and your audience. Step out from behind your shield and engage your audience - especially if you have a Ph.D.

Goddammit, people - don't take out your cell phone to talk during a party or social setting. It's boorish at best, but usually just plain rude. Same goes for checking your text messages. When you enter a party, turn it off or leave it at home - no exuses, unless someone is at death's door or giving birth.

Goddammit, people - a stop sign or red light means stop, otherwise you might easily kill a jimbo on a bike, who has the right of way.

Goddammit, people - wear clothes in winter, and shoes when it's raining. Flip-flops are dumb in a rainstorm.

Goddammit, people - a ribbon is effective for raising awareness, but what else have you done? Donate time, money or resources to the cause, talk about it a lot, and put it into practice.

Goddammit, people - stop temping large predators who like meat. Killer whales enjoy bringing smaller mammals underwater to drown.

Posted by jimbo at 2:46 PM | Comments (10)