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December 19, 2006

buffet table rules of engagement

Just got back from another holiday party, this time at work. So many crimes in so little time. While it's fresh in my mind, let me reiterate the rules that you must follow while at a social engagement that has a buffet line:

Keep the Line Moving - Ladies: the caloric value of your chosen food item will not decrease depending on how long you mince over the hors d'oeuvres. Select. Shovel. Move. The men behind you are hungry.

This is Not USA for Africa - Guys: don't pile up your plate like it's a prize for winning a round on Survivor. The weight of the food you've picked out shouldn't bend a steel plate. Once the women have gone through the buffet line, the line will die down and you can return again for another small portion.

Step Away from the Table - After your plate is filled, move away from the buffet table, buffet line, or punchbowl. Do not crowd any of these areas and avoid starting up conversations near them. Other people must feed, and clearly you have been feeding for some time. Get out of their way. The same goes for a keg.

Don't Save the Titanic - If the tongs just slipped into the dip, or the ladle into the punch, don't fish it out with your fork or fingers. Don't worry about it. Leave it there and the host will (hopefully) retrieve it in a more sanitary fashion and find a new one.

No Shop Talk - Do not talk about work, religion, politics, sex or sports at a holiday party. If you can't think of what else to talk about, you shouldn't be in that social situation and didn't deserve to be invited. And for God's sake you queens out there don't fucking talk about real estate at a party in DC. It is a tired, tired subject.

No More Carrots, Broccoli, Celery or Cauliflower - Please, have mercy, can we be creative? I've had enough carotine and vitamin C this month alone to blow out the kidneys of most small mammals. Let's just avoid any vegetables with the letter 'C' in them and see what happens, OK?

And anyone answering a cell phone while at the buffet table proper will be slain on sight with a dull brie knife.

Posted by jimbo at December 19, 2006 4:05 PM


"No Shop Talk - Do not talk about work, religion, politics or sports at a holiday party. If you can't think of what else to talk about, you shouldn't be in that social situation and didn't deserve to be invited."

I can agree with you about no work talk, but other than that any topic is pretty much fair game.
I usually remain quite until I can determine what people know and dont know before I begin my contribution. Not proper to discuss the Latest TORCHWOOD among a group of people with no knowledge of Sci-fi, or Hockey with those who don't know the game.

Posted by: Dax at December 19, 2006 4:43 PM

I have to echo "Step away from the table"! I was at a party Sunday night, and three queens stood in a group in front of the self-serve bar. Surely at least 2 of them could see people having to reach around the third, but none of them moved their asses. I wanted to just simply shove them, but I was a guest of a guest, and so I simply stretched around them like everybody else. Stupid queens!

Posted by: nolatab at December 19, 2006 4:45 PM

When I read "This is Not USA for Africa," I almost spit my drink onto my monitor.

Good one, Jimbo.

Posted by: Brian at December 19, 2006 5:04 PM

And NO double dipping!

Posted by: moby at December 20, 2006 2:58 AM

No politics? This isn't a date in Sheboygan. Of course we just nod happily when someone mentions the elections. And what else are you going to talk about, if not work? Do you go drinking with these people, or have anything in common with them?

A little talking in line is just fine, but extended talking will lead to demise, as I get especially bitchy when hungry.

Posted by: copperred at December 20, 2006 9:26 AM

doesn't cutting out all the "C" veggies also cut out cabbage, and corn? that leaves squash, peas and brussel sprouts doesn't it? I had squash at my christmas party it was okay but the sad thing was they had grilled squash on the appetizer table and it was so much better than the steamed version we got on the buffet.
hmm this is challenging what veggies could we use

Posted by: Tim at December 20, 2006 10:05 AM

I asked one of the ladies about the carrots and she says they are just there as a foil for the super-fatty ranch dip. Mystery solved!

Posted by: copperred at December 20, 2006 12:13 PM


Posts like this one are pretty much the reason I keep coming back. I laughed, I cried.

Posted by: kameron at December 20, 2006 8:21 PM

These rules should be sent out prior to every holiday party EVERYWHERE!!! :)

Posted by: TigerYogi at December 21, 2006 4:13 PM

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