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November 20, 2006
Thanksgiving Voodoo
"OMG, you have to brine the turkey."
What the fuck is brining anyway? (Please don't answer...) That's something you do with pickles, not turkeys. Jeez, can't we just keep a holiday simple for once and follow the directions on the package? Is it necessary to gather 3,000 gallons of refined garlic oil so we can deep-fry the bird and risk a major home fire? How does this need to be any different than a typical evening meal? Stove Top, Turkey, Sweet Potatoes, Mashed Potatoes, Green Beans. It's that simple. Queens, settle down already!
For those of you mystified or terrified by the overprocessing of the upcoming holiday ( mostly by meticulous queens ), here's how it goes, the simple, easy, stress-free Jimbo Way:
Defrost > Remove Guts > Wash > Baste with Olive Oil > Add Salt and Pepper > Put in Pan & Tin Foil Tent > Follow roasting directions based on weight and time (read the directions on the bird) > Eat, Repeat.
It's that simple. No mysticism, no brining, no roiling vats of pitch involved. Settle down Queens. In fact I declare fatwah on brining, dzhuzzing, and all that overmeticulous bullshit. I want bushy untrimmed monobrows, belt not matching the shoes, clutter, no dry cleaning, and most of all hairy backs and shoulders! Enough!
Gawd, I just can't wait for Christmas...
Posted by jimbo at November 20, 2006 8:04 AM
Comments
OMG! You HAVE to brine the turkey! It seasons the meat and helps keep it nice and moist during roasting. Ask about my super turkey from this weekend at Aaron's !
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooking/Brining
Posted by: Markie at November 20, 2006 10:08 AM
Jeezis! An hour anna half!? And the reason you didn't cancel and go somewhere else is.....?
Posted by: David at November 20, 2006 10:31 AM
But when you've eaten a brinned turkey that has had a cajun marinade injected into the meat and then deep fat fried in peanut oil, you will NEVER cook a turkey the old fashioned way again.
Pure heaven.
Posted by: mark at November 20, 2006 10:51 AM
New word: a homo who goes so deeply into arcane hyperspecifics, we could call them a 'Voodoo Queen'.
E.G.: "Mark is such a Voodoo Queen. She's one of those gurls who brines her turkey..."
Posted by: jimbo at November 20, 2006 11:59 AM
Screw all that.............my bird goes in a cooking bag into the pan to roast. And no green beans this year, we're having brussels sprouts roasted with pecans and bacon.
Posted by: TonkaManOR at November 20, 2006 12:43 PM
This Mark has never, and will never brine a turkey or anything else, for that matter.
Up here in NYC, I like to keep Thanksgiving simple, by gathering up Joe(My God) and the Farmboyz and adjourning to a very handsome steakhouse, where only simps order the turkey dinner. Mutton chop for me, please.
Posted by: Mark at November 20, 2006 1:14 PM
Olive oil baste? Isn't Crisco good enough? Sheesh!
Posted by: homer at November 20, 2006 1:17 PM
The Pilgrims didn't land at fucking Louisiana. Nuff said.
Posted by: Mikeprov1 at November 20, 2006 1:26 PM
Dude... STOVE TOP???
Posted by: Andy at November 20, 2006 1:57 PM
Umm.... I have to disagree. Brining actually makes cooking poultry almost foolproof.
I brine chicken before I grill it, so I can spend time drinking/gabbing with my friends, and not babysitting my juicy breasts. Plus, it doesn't take much more active time, just a little planning.
Never thought about brining a whole turkey though, but sounds pretty yummy to me.
Posted by: JD at November 20, 2006 2:17 PM
Puh-leeze! Most of us are using Butterball turkeys anyway. They're brined at the processing plant. Additional brining is a waste of time, water, salt AND sugar.
And that goes ditto for Kosher birds as well.
Besides, everyone knows that brining is SOOOOOO 2005. This year it's all about dry-salting.
Posted by: jaredd at November 20, 2006 2:34 PM
My brother has a deep fryer that is big enough for a turkey. For the past 5 years he deep fries the turkey. MMMMM Yummy
p.s.
The Dax hates Christmas.
Posted by: Dax at November 20, 2006 2:35 PM
so you dont want me to apply the wasabi and cumin molecular foam to our turkey?
Posted by: GURL at November 20, 2006 3:05 PM
Yeah, second the "STOVE TOP"? Are you going to cook Kraft dinner to go along with that?
And once you've had fried turkey you definitely would pick it over the oven roasted variety.
You're sounding a little "Angertwinkish" about this Jimbo.
Posted by: Sikes at November 20, 2006 3:20 PM
Clearly you are Yankee, with devotion to bland vegetables and bland meat. Would you like some more grey on your plate? Anything worth doing, is worth doing right.
Posted by: copperred at November 20, 2006 4:00 PM
"Remove the guts"?! *faints*
Posted by: quercer at November 20, 2006 6:48 PM
Homer, why the swipe at Louisiana? Actually, if you want a really great Thanksgiving Louisiana style, get a turducken! You won't ever have regular old turkey, brined or not, again. It's a deboned turkey, stuffed with a deboned duck, stuffed with a deboned chicken. And each has it's own stuffing, sometimes with shrimp. Yum!
Posted by: nolajeff at November 20, 2006 7:00 PM
Who's up for Turkey Take-Out. The best kitchen appliance = the telephone in my book.
Posted by: J.P. at November 20, 2006 7:36 PM
You're making me jealous -- this year I'm going to thanksgiving dinner where the hosts are vegetarians who have no idea how to cook anything beyond the hippie vegetable mash-up, and our beverages will be served in reused peanut butter jars with the label still half-attached. I bet they won't even have Stove-Top.
Posted by: John T at November 20, 2006 8:13 PM
"Brining her turkey"? Sounds like a ephemism for sumthin'!
Posted by: Lee at November 21, 2006 12:08 AM
I can't believe you didn't mention corn on the menu. I might not talk to you anymore...(but we're still running all that turkey off, brined or not!)
Posted by: Piranha Sean at November 21, 2006 11:39 AM
Ummm, note to nolajeff, I'm innocent of bad-mouthing Louisiana- I luv that state!
Posted by: homer at November 21, 2006 12:21 PM
Shameless blog plug, but I thought you'd love it.....the new must-have toy for Christmas. :)
Posted by: North Dallas Thirty at November 21, 2006 1:09 PM
Forget the foil. You must cover the turkey in thick slab bacon. You'll never base again.
Posted by: wdcwoof at November 21, 2006 1:09 PM
Mmmm... brining goooooood. Moist turkey..... Mmmmmm not dry.... Mmmmmmm...
Posted by: Bob at November 21, 2006 2:28 PM
Nolajeff, I wasn't swiping Louisiana, love the place, honest! (Homer is innocent!)
Posted by: Mikeprov1 at November 21, 2006 10:46 PM
Enough about the turkey! I agree with you - men who won't boil water the rest of the year trading Food Channel tips drive me up the wall. And if they start talking about the thread count of their sheets, I'm walkin'.
Where are all the hairy, studly, camping and beer-drinking men? Certainly not here in Louisiana!
Posted by: Art at November 22, 2006 12:21 AM