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November 22, 2006
I live you long time, or, Logan Circle's Run
I saw an old friend on 17th street last night and we caught up on gossip and stuff. Lately I've been able to say "No drama" when asked how I'm doing, and it's generally true, and it's good to be that way. But he admitted to being stressed out lately about his impending 70th bithday - which is to happen in 14 years. I didn't understand what he was worried about, and he explained that he has only started to worry about aging issues. He's HIV+ and didn't expect to get past 50, and now here he is thinking about being 70, and he is completely caught off guard. I mean, look at some guys who are constantly kvetching about being in their mid-30s, and he ain't even 40 yet. Imagine such psyches managing feelings and thoughts about being 60.
The concept of aging is frightening to many gay men, if they are thinking about it at all. When we come out into this wonderful Neverland, no one grows old, gets sick or stops having fun, and the party never stops. Everyone is beautiful and young, and no one has a saggy body. There's no time to think about growing old, since no one seems to. Old people seem to disappear somewhere, replaced by a new crop of beautiful young men every year. And a lot of gays aren't planning on growing old, judging by the number of bug chasers who e-mail Joe.My.God each week (And no, Mom, I'm not a bug chaser. That's why I wear condoms and have my partners do the same.). I have heard stories of frequent JRs patrons who who drop off the face of the earth once they pass the age of 24 or gain 5 pounds, thinking their life is over, much like in the sci-fi classic Logan's Run where the aged remove themselves via the Carousel ritual. Some of these twinks choose Carousel much earlier than those in the film.
Aging is not part of the culture that many of us embrace at the expense of the hetero world, and that's a problem. Are you thinking about retirement, heart disease, or the credit card debt that's built up from all your fabulous trips to circuit parties across the country? If you're past 30, are you getting a physical exam every year? (If not, I know of a physician's assistant who gives GREAT prostate exams...)
We are often so absorbed with HIV/AIDS issues that we don't often think about some of the basic things that pursue people in our later years. It turns out my friend who passed away this spring died of heart disease. Have you done a testicular exam lately?
And despite the morbid news about AIDS and kidney failure mortaility due to the ravages of HIV meds among our people, for some lucky few life will find a way, despite the suicidal quest to be as piggy and hedonistic as we can possibly be. God forbid we should deny ourselves any small pleasure, but an unexpected consequence of all this might be - nothing but survival. For some, this is a punishment worse than death, for they will have to deal with responsibilities not thought of before. Debt Queens (and I know you're out there...) are you ready to face the music?
At what point in your life are you going to be when this realization hits? There will come a time when you outgrow the circuit, cocktail, gym or bug-chasing lifestyle, and where will you be? Are you going to be in debt, with no savings for the twilight years that you'd rather not have thought about? Have you thought about what you're going to do for fun once you realize the wheelchair access at Apex is unacceptable? Are you ready to live life beyond forty?
Posted by jimbo at November 22, 2006 11:34 AM
Comments
I see no problem what so ever with aging. Its how you feel not the number.
I am 32 years old, I still collect Transformers, Still watch Sentai and Sailormoon. I still get excited when I see a new Masters of the Universe toy at Toys R Us. I also have good "slow aging" genes plus I take good care of myself cause I plan on living a long long time. I want to be like Statlor and Waldorf :-)
I also think "Bug chasers" should be commited to Arkham due to their suicidal tendencies
Posted by: Dax at November 22, 2006 12:25 PM
I know the physician's assistant you speak of. I went in for a chronic cough problem and he suggested a prostate exam. He's quite famous for these. I refuse to be fingered by a guy I would see out at circuit parties, so I declined.
I guarantee there will be a magical pill developed in about 20 years that will keep us youthful looking. So, until then, I'll take advantage of botox and a pretty set of ceramic veneers.
I would like to retire to some gay retirement community. I think it would be fun. We could bake each other carrot cakes and take turns changing each other's colostomy bags. Plus, we could still be slutty.
Posted by: durban bud at November 22, 2006 1:11 PM
At age 43 I have a terrible urge to buy the Mousetrap board game and play it. Recently, someone I know who is also HIV+ told be the same thing- he never expected to have to worry about retirement and one day he woke up and realized he was going to have to start putting money away.
Posted by: homer at November 22, 2006 1:12 PM
It's all very interesting to hear a 32 year old say "it's how you feel, not the number".
He right, sort of.
One major issue is that there are very few people who can or will act as role models for aging within our community. And our community is more ageist than ever.
Jimbo, you make some very good points. There comes a time of reckoning, and y'all definitely should take the time to get yourselves in order in preparation for the inevitable. But you can still be out there, having some fun.
Years ago, Linda Evans said "Forty needn't be fatal". She was right. And fifty and sixty shouldn't have to be either.
Posted by: Mark at November 22, 2006 1:20 PM
I'm 41. I haven't been a regularly clubgoer or any of that for years.
And I look at my social circle and I see lots of people 40-60 who actually make perfectly good role models for younger gay men. They have a wide range of careers and types of lives. Some go out a lot, most don't, some are single, some aren't, etc. etc.
The same was true when I lived in DC, and Boston before that. (If anything, I think there are more in BOston and DC than here in Houston.)
I guess I just don't understand the "where are the role models" complaint because for my entire gay life, since age 18, I've known them.
As for turning 40, well, it was anticlimactic. My boyfriend made me a steak and gave me a CD called "John 4.0." We played with his dogs. I felt the same as the day before.
Posted by: John at November 22, 2006 2:29 PM
Age........it's a number. I'm 45 and I just bought a new snowboard this summer so I can start riding the half pipe. Can't wait!
Why should I act like I'm ready to retire? Nothing hurts too much, I stay active, don't smoke.
When it's your time............it's your time!
Posted by: TonkaManOR at November 22, 2006 3:23 PM
I just turned 40 last month and it has been the hardest birthday to accept. I'm not depressed or down over it, I just feel very contemplative about my life and the road I'm on. I feel like I've reached the half way point.
I remember the mid to late 1990s and feeling like I was part of some kind of "community". At some point I stopped going out to bars and now when I go out I look around and ask myself, "Who are all these young guys, where did they come from and why do I feel like I'm not part of the right "clique"?"
Posted by: Brendan at November 22, 2006 3:40 PM
You need decent role models.
The mature & maturing gay men I know probably don't travel in the same circles as you do and that might skew your view. If you got a bit more involved with local ANC/ Ward level govt and civic groups you'd find 'em. I hope you live long time.
So get out of debt.
Max out your matching retirement whatever.
Save a lot of money.
Get around to buying a house/condo/ cardboard box with a nice stable mortgage so when you're 70 you won't be subject to the whims of your landlord who may want to evict you or jack up your rent.
Posted by: Mari at November 22, 2006 5:25 PM
I know plenty of miserable old-fart acting teens and twenty-somethings... Don't these worry-warts understand that constantly moaning and groaning about some number causes wrinkles and gastritis?! :-P
Posted by: TOS at November 22, 2006 10:54 PM
suicidio! In questi fieri momenti, tu sol mi resti, il core mi denti..... ;)
Posted by: Joe at November 23, 2006 8:58 AM
You know the whole aging thing is just a schtick of mine at this point, right?
Jimbo: Hmmm methinks behind every joke is a grain of truth, and behind every jest an ounce of pain...
Posted by: Eric at November 24, 2006 11:00 AM
*sigh*
When I was a kid I couldn't wait to get older and get adulthood - driving, drinking, earning $$ at a job. Time is flying by now and I cannot seem to slow it down. *sigh*
But I don't have anxiety from getting old, except for the fact that my biological clock is ticking away and I feel like if we're going to adopt we need to do it now....
Other than that, I love aging, and I do pay attention to my mutal funds, my retirement plans, paying off debt, and ensuring that I am well set up for my 50s.
Many are already starting to buy into gay retirement communities. http://www.rainbowvisionprop.com/communities.html I think itd be a blast!
Posted by: Dan at November 26, 2006 7:30 AM
FYI: Prostate screening begins at 50, not typically 40 unless you have a family history of prostate cancer at an early age, or unless you just *want* to have one. Testicular cancer screening should be done between the ages of 17 and 35, with monthly self-exams and physician screening during general physicals. Beyond that, whenever you *want* to. And don't forget about colonoscopy every 10 years beginning age 50 (ahem, you-know-who-you-are), cholesterol screening (arteriosclerosis has been found in 10-year olds in the U.S.). Blah, blah, blah.
I stopped going to clubs when I was about 33. I just realized that I found it boring.
I recently received a notice that if I retire at 65 at my rate of income, I'll receive something like $500/month from social security. Whoopee.
Posted by: cupre at November 27, 2006 9:04 AM