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August 31, 2006
wet wishes, deep thoughts
OMG it's a Prince vs. Madonna dance party this Sunday at 10ish at the Black Cat. I hope it's not too crowded. Seriously though, while I love Prince's music, I can't really dance to it. The dancing blue ribbon goes to Madonna hands-down. MadonnaMadonnaMadonnaMadonnaMadonnaMadonnaMadonnaMadonna!
I want it to rain. My garden wants it to rain. Our rugby pitch wants it to rain. Why won't it rain? I want Ernesto to come and park his wet soggy ass over the D.C. Metropolitan area for a couple of days. We've been teased by tantalizing thunderstorms for days but no rain. It takes at least 10 minutes of precipitation to penetrate the tree canopy above both of my gardens, or else it remains dry as a bone. Most people with yard plants don't realize this, and the brief thundershowers in this area don't do the trick to keep your plants watered. In late summer you have to water manually under the trees if you have plants there.
OK, my thoughts on Provincetown haven't congealed coherently yet, so I'll just write what's on my mind about it, and what I saw. The majority of people in P-town that weekend were older than me, between their 30s and 40s, predominantly coupled. Also, on a lot of the faces and bodies I was seeing the long-term effects of HIV meds, including the lipodystrophy, facial wasting, etc. I would contend at least 40% of the people I saw had that look going on. Just like at the Mid-Atlantic Leather celebration in January, I keep seeing more of that look in certain demographics, where I don't think the statistic of 1 in 10 people there are HIV+, it's more like 3-5 in 10 at least.
It's not the look or the serostatus that disturbs me, it's the numbers. I keep getting the feeling that in certain demographics, more people are poz than statistics say. From experience I know that people also lie about their HIV status, or sometimes even convince themselves that they are negative in their own minds (see: complete denial). If it's so easy to tell oneself or another a lie, it's easy to fudge a stat too. But I guess you can't lie on a blood test, but you can avoid one if you don't want to know the truth.
Again, I don't quite know what I'm saying here, but go here and here for more insight and discussion from Proceed at Your Own Risk and JoeMyGod, respectively.
I am HIV-, tested earlier this summer. On my hook-up site profiles I say very clearly, "HIV- and lookin' to stay that way," but that doesn't mean I won't hook up with or not date people who are HIV-, it just means I'm going to protect myself. I guess I am a product of when I came out, in the mid-90s when things were pretty scary with AIDS and HIV. There were education campaigns on how to play safe, and with a number of exceptions I can count on one hand, I've played it safe, I continue to do my best, and don't have much of a struggle doing so. I resolved when I came out that I would not be afraid of sex because of AIDS. But I also resolved I would put some latex on when I insert or am inserted. It has thus far not been a great sacrifice, and while I have barebacked, I don't see what the big deal is. It wasn't that much more of a mind-blowing orgazmic cosmicallifragilistic experience in my mind. Plus I also wear a condom to prevent wart or herpes transmission too, either on my dick or up my ass.
Flashback to two weeks ago in Provincetown: I'm with Adam in bed and he tells me he wants to fuck me raw, and I simply reply calmly and clearly, "No, let's put a condom on." He wasn't upset or embarassed, and neither was I, and we still had a hot time despite not having bitten from the forbidden fruit of barebacking.
So I guess I am disturbed as to why so many are HIV+ in these demographics ("leather community" and Provincetown vacationers, for example). In a nutshell, the majority of these people got their HIV status from getting fucked bareback (without a condom) by someone who was HIV+. And they did it after we all learned how not to become HIV+.
Sometimes I believe I will be in a minority of sorts when I reach my 40s, as I plan on keeping up my safe sex habits. I may have a family predisposition towards cancer, so by my 60s I don't predict I'll want to have to deal with complications due to HIV. I'll have other old person shit to deal with, and I do want to grow old. I do not buy the whole schtick about how one can "lead a normal life" on HIV meds when I have seen their deleterious effects first hand with a former roomate. The meds suck, they are expensive (you'd better have health insurance...), and wrack your body harshly if you react to them poorly. And I don't care what the whack activists say, HIV and AIDS can and does shorten your lifespan, as can the meds themselves. Sick is sick, and being sick from any virus simply sucks.
I guess I am unapologetic that I am HIV-, yet unafraid to have sex - but I have a certain kind of sex. I have sacrificed certain acts in order to preserve my health, and to date it has not been a big deal. I have seen some guys plunge into a monastic sexless lifestyle for fear of seroconversion, then going apeshit whorecrazy out of the blue with unsafe sex, then they become poz due to their extreme behavior vacillations. There is a middle ground somewhere, but people don't seem to know how to find it, and I don't know what the solution is, but I see these things and can only wonder what people are thinking, if they are thinking at all.
Discuss.
Posted by jimbo at August 31, 2006 10:27 AM
Comments
Settle down with partner, get dog, buy house in Mt. Rainer, get fat and bald and old while you beat cancer with a wooden baseball bat.
Posted by: Marie at August 31, 2006 1:00 PM
As usual Jimbo you're very thoughtful and candid, I appreciate that. I think a lot of people would be and are afraid to go near this subject with a 10 foot pole.
I don't think it is that hard to have safer sex. It doesn't take much to put a rubber on and I don't think it detracts from the experience all together. Before the queens start shrieking about how much better it feels... consider this:
Is it better without a condom? Sure! But I think 99% of that "better" designation comes from the mental feeling. It can be from being in love and in full trust with your boyfriend or partner, or it can feel "better" (I hypothesize) from the thrill of doing something "bad", daring, reckless whatever...
I guess what I'm saying is that people need to stop being so blase about HIV infection and barebacking. People need to watch some of the videos of people in the early days of AIDS and realize - that still happens just it is masked my the diarrhea, inconvenience and cost of HAART...
And since I'm prolly pissing people off, gay white men who are young and/or affluent need to stop thinking this disease can't possibly happen to them...
Posted by: TOS at August 31, 2006 3:32 PM
I do not have safe sex currently. The bf and I have been together, going on 13 years. We have been tested regularly (hmm, time to see the doc again) and we are both HIV-. We do not play the field, it's just not worth it.
If I had to date again at this point...I think I would have to re-learn all the dating rules, except one........no sex without protection.
Posted by: TonkaManOR at August 31, 2006 3:42 PM
I've heard (and read) it other places, and I agree with it completely: as gay men, too many of us (present company excepted) see HIV/AIDS as a "liveable condition," thanks in part to all of the mag ads with hot beefy guys extolling the virtues of their HIV meds. But guess what? AIDS ain't diabetes. There is still no cure, which means that in 99.99% of HIV cases (or whatever percentage), you will die. Period. Sex is great, but don't be stupid. (And I do not get "bug chasers" - you want to be infected why, exactly? So you can stop worrying about HIV? Get a fucking therapist, not a lethal dose of a virus.)
Kudos for addressing this topic so candidly and matter-of-factly, Jimbo.
Posted by: Thomas at August 31, 2006 4:38 PM
First of all, Madonna sooooo beats Prince. But I'm going to the Black Cat anyway. So what does that say about me?
As for your comments about HIV and sex, I appreciate your candor and openness.
I, too, grew up in the "bad old days" - actually the 80's and early 90's. And saw so many people die that I became numb.
So how do I explain being HIV positive now? A night, a drug, a blackout, and now, a positive diagnosis.
Yes, I take responsibility for my decisions, starting with the drug use. However, I do have to admit that I get tired of hearing "how could it happen" when I had "so much information".
Yet I understand why people ask it. But the truth is, it happened, and I can't change it. I can only take care of myself and make sure that I am responsible in my sex life. Which means making sure that I talk about it.
And its not as easy as it sounds, I'm finding. But I'm working on it. That's not to say that I'm not being safe. I just wish it were easier to bring up and talk about without me getting anxious.
And people like you that are open and honest about it help me get better at it.
I don't know if any of this made sense, but I appreciate you bringing up the subject and talking about it.
Posted by: Swede And Czech at August 31, 2006 8:27 PM
I totally do not advocate barebacking and think that many gay men are too blasé about HIV infection, but it should be pointed out that in 100% of all cases of human life, you will die.
Period.
Death awaits you no matter what. That doesn't mean that we should actively acquire viruses that are relatively preventable, but people need to have some perspective. Very few people have the luxury of dying peacefully in their sleep at age 95.
That being said, I don't see why people really need to have anal sex without a condom. But I don't understand a lot of what people do.
Posted by: Eric at August 31, 2006 11:10 PM
Now, why can't we have a Prince/Madonna face-off here in NYC? Why?
Okay, you may be in the minority when you enter your 40's because of your safe sex habits. But at least you won't have the burden of meticulously caring for yourself and, assumably, others to protect yourselves from the ravages of AIDS. I applaud your decision protect yourself and your future sex partners. And, ultimately, when you meet that special person, he too will be thankful for your efforts to avoid any unnecessary discomfort.
At the very least, know that this soon-to-be in-his-40's homosexual will be part of your minority. Him and his partner of 8+ years.
Posted by: tim at September 1, 2006 1:05 AM
Changing gears a little bit, I think people of the younger generations should watch the videos of GMHC marching and protesting in New York and DC. It was very powerful and I am old enough to remember it even though I was a lil confused at the time.
When they laid down in St. Patrick's Cathedral it really made heads turn... Or was that Act Up I can't remember...
Posted by: TOS at September 1, 2006 8:15 AM