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July 7, 2006

I'm talkin' 'bout resolution

OK guys, I can't take it any more. It's time for another etiquette lesson, this time on the rules of online cruising, either by e-mail or on cruisey hook-up sites:

  • flash.jpgNice digital cameras don't cost all that much these days, and the resolution quality of web cam and camera phones is still sub-par. I want to see follicles and pores! 300 pixels per inch! Go out and buy a nice new camera, or borrow your friend's camera. Even better, have your trusted friend take your photo as to avoid the ever-tragic bathroom mirror flash effect.

  • Show your face, pussy. The conservatives and Republicans haven't been that frightening for you, have they? What are you hiding from? I'm especially vexed by faceless pics from the heart of gay ghettos like San Fran and NYC. Plus, I like face pics more than pictures of cocks and puckering buttholes, which all sort of look the same to me. If I don't see your face, I'm going to assume you're a closet case or horribly deformed.

  • Pictures of you from far away don't show me much either.

  • Unless you are an experienced graphic artist, photomanipulations of your face or other body parts will be detected. Don't try it.

  • I am not interested in landscape pictures, or of your experimental photography. I am on these sites for one purpose only.

  • Kuato.jpgPictures of select body parts, with no picture showing your whole body, will only lead me to assume you have a conjoined symbiotic mutant partner named Kuato attached to your abdomen.

  • Smile in at least one of your pictures. Scowling does not make you "masc", it just makes you look scary. Smiling makes you appear approachable, and usually better looking.

  • Usually if a guy says he's 'masculine' or that he's a 'Renaissance Man', he probably isn't.

  • If you send an e-mail to someone proposing to hook up, always attach a variety of images of yourself to that initial message. Do not send an e-mail without attached images and ask me to send you my pics. Do not say you're going to send pics if asked. You will get no response.

  • Check the file size of your attached images. Send cropped, optimized images in .jpg format. Do not send raw images straight off your digital camera. Do not send .gif or .bmp images.

    • (Exception: Humongous, high-resolution raw images may be e-mailed to me if said images are of your chest or face, especially if you're blond, red-head, scruffy and/or furry.)

  • In chat rooms please be polite, use complete sentences and proper grammar, even when asking to have your hole violated.

  • A compliment is not a proposition to marry. Don't flee in terror when someone says something nice to you. A good response when showered with compliments via e-mail or in a chat room is to say "Thank you."

  • And always have a trusted friend review the pictures you've uploaded. They're looking out for you and your image online.

    • Posted by jimbo at July 7, 2006 10:20 AM

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    Comments

    You've nailed it on this entry...well said!

    Posted by: O at July 7, 2006 10:54 AM

    Love it. And it's all so true.

    Posted by: Trey R at July 7, 2006 12:26 PM

    Damn I like the way you think. Finally, someone that says it the way it should be. May all your online cruising be prosperous.

    Posted by: J.P. at July 7, 2006 12:50 PM

    Jimbo's rules don't apply to redheads, who can send me huge picture files of various body parts, scowling faces, and poorly worded marriage proposals.

    Posted by: homer at July 7, 2006 1:28 PM

    And I quote:

    TO:joenyc@gmail.com
    FROM: EJIW932920@hotmail.com
    ATTACHMENT: none

    Hey Joe. You are hot. Let me know if interested.

    EJ

    (I get something like this at least once a day.)

    Posted by: Joe.My.God. at July 7, 2006 3:17 PM

    I'm a redhead...but as you know, redheads' pasty white bodies tend to not photograph very well....so, what to do...I'm much better in person, so I am told.

    Posted by: stebbins at July 7, 2006 3:41 PM

    I'm totally using these on people on gay.com

    Posted by: sam at July 7, 2006 3:43 PM

    yeah, what's up with that 'masc' scowl? sullen!=sexy

    Posted by: matt at July 7, 2006 4:31 PM

    I've never understood the no face picture thing. I mean if you are that concerned about this coming up during your Supreme Court confirmation hearings, you probably shouldn't have a ManHunt profile to begin with.

    Posted by: Herb at July 7, 2006 6:11 PM

    You can ask my Rob.. I never ever smile in any pictures taken of me... I look like Wednesday Addams in that Scene in "Addams Family Values" when she is in summercamp and smiles.

    Posted by: Dax at July 7, 2006 11:00 PM

    All very important tips. And yes, for the love of all that is holy, don't do the picture in the bathroom mirror thing with a flash. Please.

    I just found your blog this morning. Very impressive.

    Posted by: Swede And Czech at July 9, 2006 7:18 AM

    I like Jimbo's bathroom mirror pictures with the Twister shower curtain in the background.

    Posted by: Sarah Jean at July 9, 2006 7:10 PM

    Thanks for blogging the quick lesson.
    BTW, that patchy chest hair is kinda hot. What d'ya think, Jimbo?

    Posted by: Jason at July 10, 2006 1:37 AM

    And let's not forget, if you are into boots, this is fine, but don't fill your profile with 100 pictures of your boot collection.

    Posted by: Gay Veteran at July 10, 2006 8:24 AM

    5 things:

    1)PREACH IT I SAY PREACH IT!
    2)STEBBINS: MIKEY, my offer to take your pics still stands and I have taken great pics of you in the past.
    3)'Renaissance Man'...oh my have you meant D___volte on gay.com?
    4)hmmm someone in this comments list doesn't say "thank you" when he gets compliments on his online hook up profile. Usually gives no reply.
    5)You forgot another camera rule... MAKE SURE YOU TAKE PICS IN A ROOM THAT'S CLEAN AND NEAT...and not with your dirty clothes on the floor...I have seen too many of those on gay.com and me and my friends just bust out and laugh.

    Posted by: Kevin at July 10, 2006 4:38 PM