Jimbo.Info

I try to ignore the whole Christmas season as much as possible. I don’t go into stores; my Spanish boyfriend and I exchange gifts on January 6 in the old Spanish manner; I flee from Christmas music and red bows. In New York it’s easy to be anti-Christmas because you can always pretend that you’re Jewish.

That being said, I was really annoyed when the vending machine at the post office dispensed 18 “holiday ornament” stamps for me this morning. But I didn’t have the energy to go to the counter to demand a replacement set.

The story about the Greek guy got me moderately turned on, by the way.

Now thats a Christmas movie I would love to see ;-)

No, you just happen to either be choosy, not needy, or at a phase in your life where you enjoy being solo.

Good point. Of course, it is also possible that there is, in fact, something wrong with you and you are incomplete or somehow wrong inside.

Ah Jimbo. No glitter needed. But don't seal yourself off from the day to day joys of winter when boycotting the hysteria. Ice crystals are really nice, skating can be fun, and those crisp cold deep-blue skies with bright white stars... I guess my point is take it where you find it, and let others do the same.

I hate to pee in your snow, but Rudolph was dating Clarice, and Frosty got married. The only single person at Christmas was Hermie, the gay elf.

Just so you know, I HATE CHRISTMAS.

Jimbo - Your missive is absolutely fabu.
I would add one additional item which i might be helpful:
If the impending doom of the holidays is just too much and a person feels that they must spend money since they have yet to escape the "capitalist matrix", be constructive with debt and spend it exclusively on one's self. Not on silly gadgets or clothes, rather go on vacation, go on an outward bound expedition, drive across the country solo, visit a similarly rational friend who will not partake in the consumptive binge, etc. (If one cannot find a friend who has shunned materialism, then I suggest this person needs to broaden their horizons).
Plus, you have the ready excuse that you will be gone for christmas and, darn it, no money to spare - ergo everyone gets nothing. If you cannot tell your friends and family no, then an introspective trip should be required.

I find it helpful to look for sage holiday advice from people with a little more sane perspective on the whole holiday thing.

To wit . . .

MEN & GIFT WRAPPING
by Dave Barry

(Incidentally, I gave my 18 months old nieces autographed copies of Dave's Peter and the Starcatchers for Christmas last year. Eventually, they'll appreciate it)

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh." These are simple words, but if we yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' " "And Joseph DID rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if its such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape. On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills (like having babies) that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN...

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is NOT what you give, or how you wrap it.

The important thing, during this very special time

of year, is that you save the receipt.

If you give me a gift that is clearly for you, I will lock you outside in the snow until you lose at least one limb to frostbite. Selfish bastard. Dave Barry would never write another word again without his hands...

Christmas is for the kids, I seem to have lots my taste for it.

I could skip Thanksgiving- all nasty meat day.

Christmas has become "Holiday" to me and I do all of the Xmas things- decorate, give presents, etc- but do them on my terms.

New Years- hate, hate, hate.

Valentine's Day- also a cursed holiday.

Honestly, Halloween is the only holiday I like.

My boyfriend is Jewish, I'm this close to atheism (until I hear a really wonderful song by Kylie or Kate Bush, and then believe that God is speaking through them), and I've decided that this year, damn it, I am NOT sending out cards, not putting up a tree, and not buying presents for anyone (except my niece). Instead, I plan to invite everyone over after they've had their fill of family and festivities, they can kick their shoes off, and get good and drunk.

Auburn haired Greek muscle boys on Christmas Eve?? Yassou!

I dont depressed at the holidays..its just that everything has to be PERFECT. PERRRFECT I say!

CUE THE SNOW!