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November 14, 2005

hurricane rains and leaf stains

I was thinking it was time to post an entry about my time spent here in DC, as the fallen leaves and fall hurricane rains always remind me of when I first landed here after Peace Corps. I remember walking to and from the hotel I was put in Arlington, VA after landing in this area and walking through a warm rain looking at the wet leaves staining the sidewalk, and how it never, ever seemed to stop raining. At the time I didn't know it was the remnants of an Atlantic hurricane system, and thought it always rained here like that. From living in Portland, Oregon for a time I just thought it was normal, if not a bit heavier rain than on the West coast. I remember spotting my first mockingbird in Arlington, and how amazed I was at the number of gay-looking people I spotted in downtown DC. Looking in my handwritten journal, I found an excerpt from May 1997:

Got here in October, by January I'd moved into this house of 5 people, and by March I'd got a job. In between all that, I'd met scores of people and have had tons of urban adventures. This is a pretty exciting part of my life, and an important step.

I had to double check the date of that entry and realized I'd been doing my math wrong - I've now been here 9 years instead of the 8 years I had been clocking myself previously. No wonder I've been feeling antsy and seeming to need a change. I seem to get itchy at 1, 3, 5 and 10 year intervals for some reason, favoring odd numbers and increments of 5 as moving points in my life. I don't know why that is, but there seems to be a pattern. It reminds me of a number theory of Bob's where he makes the following claim about dating patterns:

1 month : 3 months : 1 year : 3 years : 7 years

I'm into numbers, and the repeating patterns they create. If you've been in any kind of relationship for longer than 7 years, take a look back, and tell me if this rhythm applies. Life is all about repeating patterns, and being swept up in the rhythms it offers us.

I don't know if he's on to something or if it's in our blood, but I've definitely been restless lately with my relationship between me and DC. At the 2 year mark in my current job I feel like I'm still into something but have also been working towards a goal or two in developing my career and working towards a graduate degree. I'm enjoying the classwork and am still making gains in accomplishments at work and how I interact with coworkers. I've become more professional and confident in my skills and abilities. Next time there is an interview, I feel like I can easily say, "I can do that," or "This is how I get things done."

With relationships I have had some rotten eggs and some euphoric experiences. Much to my surprise I've discovered these days I'm a lot more romantic and dedicated, and less kinky and slutty than I thought I was. A warm snuggle and intimacy is more valuable to me than a hot one night stand - but the combo of the two is still appreciated. I can spot trouble a mile away but am still able to recognize and appreciate what I'm looking for in a man.

Many of the friends I made when I first got here are still true, and many more rich friendships have developed while others have faded away. It is by far the most vital group of people I have ever bonded with, and worry if I moved I could accomplish the same level of friendships.

I have been lucky or sagacious enough to avoid many pitfalls of urban gay life. I'm not easily addicted, haven't fallen into a meaningless pattern of self-ghettoziation, and have put the latex on when necessary. In many cases I cite divine intervention and/or dumb luck to be in the good shape I'm in today. The worst I can think of, as far as I know, is a few infestations of tiny, unwelcome arthropods.

The biggest disappointment I can account for during this time is my lack of monetary prosperity. Only during a brief period riding the dot-com wave did I get ahead with finances in this expensive city. Rising real estate costs have also driven up rental prices, and my sanity depends on living solo. Last year a windfall inheritance helped abate that slow bleed, but moving into a low-paying university job has started the slide back into hand-to-mouth wages. But I've learned that satisfaction with a job trumps a high salary to me any day. I am by no means in any kind of financial distress, but there's a nagging in the back of my head that at 34 I should have more savings than I do. Am I waiting for some fantasy point in my life where this all turns around? The answer always seems to point to moving to what I consider a more liveable city, that is where one doesn't always have to worry about the next bill and paycheck. To me DC just isn't a good buy - to pay $1000 bucks a month and still have to pick up crack packet litter out back doesn't justify living this urban life. I don't live an extravagant lifestyle, don't go out to dinner and movies like I used to, and thankfully don't feel the need to go out to bars, which adds up a lot. Like my brother once said, "You go out to bars and drink, and then piss your money down a urinal drain."

I have recently applied to a job in British Columbia, possibly to tickle my fancy but also to keep my resume up to date. The job explicity states that Canadians get preferential treatment in the hiring process, and I'm cool with that. Again, I'm only just starting to feel settled in my new job and from unemployment 4 years ago, which shook me down to the core. I'm not actively seeking to move, but the feeling is there, and I'd be ready for it if the right opportunity comes up.

My mother always reminds me of the time during swimming lessons at the municipal pool where we were to jump off the diving board for the first time. I had my swim wings on but it didn't matter to the little duckling that jumped straight off the end into the 10' zone. That's how I do things. Like my English students in Kazakstan once told me, I'm bezpredelshik, or without limits.

Posted by jimbo at November 14, 2005 11:17 PM

Comments

Posted by: Boo Augustus at November 15, 2005 1:14 PM

Posted by: Shawn at November 15, 2005 4:50 PM

Posted by: TonkaManOR at November 15, 2005 10:20 PM

Posted by: Josh at November 15, 2005 10:39 PM