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June 17, 2005
happy father's day
Father's Day continues to become more commercial and in your face like a lot of other holidays. So far that doesn't bug me, but of course it might some day. The general assumption that everyone has a father has yet to bug me too. I just never had one and that's the way it is for me - no need for condolences this late in the day. My father died 3 months before I was born in a drowning/hypothermia accident while duck hunting. His body was not found, and no, I'd rather not wonder if he's still alive, so don't ask (And people do. How rude!). The tides are strong, cold and throrough in that part of the world. It has just been the way it is for me, and I'm not really sad about it, as he is simply someone I have never met. But it would have been neat to have met him.
The awareness of his absence due to mortality gave me a very pragmatic view of death at a very early age. Probably my very first simple life lesson that I can remember: people die and that means they are no longer there. It is sad that you won't see them, but life goes on with our own life, and it is best to get going with that. I am aware that I am probably a lot less moved by death than most people for this reason, so I try hard to be more sensitive when others lose parents, because I know it is harder for them to learn this later in life. When parents die they are gone, and that is the way it is.
My mom did a great job raising us 3 brothers by herself, and it kept her busy. I remember her trying to date like twice, but it never worked out. Plus it was wierd to me. Once I tried to celebrate Father's Day by giving my grandpa a card, but that felt wierd too. A Grampa is not a Father.
In the 70s and 80s it was a ghastly concept for a mother to be single with kids and be just fine in my small home town. It was generally assumed by others that we would be troubled kids and in need of financial assistance because we didn't have a father (destitute indigents, etc.), even though my dad was a Vet and we were well taken care of by security benefits (Pell grants allowed me to get through undergrad in the black). Those kind of small-minded perceptions about alternative families probably helped me come out as gay, since I was aware at an early age that there are different ways of being a family, and that you can do well (if not better in our case) being a different kind of family or person. Even if I wasn't gay, I would still give a hearty "F-U" to those family values folk that think a family consists of only a man, woman and children. Other versions of families exist and do just fine. I know this to be a fact, from personal experience.
I was actually encouraged to go to a Youth Conservation (Concentration) Camp for "troubled kids" by our high school guidance counselor. I ended up liking it, however, as we worked in parks and forests and it was fun with very beautiful places to work. Our "troubled family" produced 3 out of 3 college grads, 1 with an MBA, one with an MS on the way, and two who've been around the world. Last year at my class reunion, I realized I've done pretty well for myself for being so horribly troubled. A big F.U.-Friday to all you small-minded hometown haters in my high school administration who assumed I'd be troubled from being raised in a single-parent household.
Anyway, of us three brothers, I think I look the most like my father, as far as I can tell. I'll try to look for a picture tonight. I have his general body shape, smile and ability to make funny faces. It would be interesting to have met him, as from what I gather he was a fun and intelligent guy. I'd like to think I got some of that from him.
Posted by jimbo at June 17, 2005 9:14 AM
Comments
Wow Jimbo, I never knew. I dunno if you've read the relevant parts on my blog (I've been thinking about writing a similar post to yours) - but I lost my Dad at 11.
EVERYTHING you say here I understand - growing up knowing about death, although because my loss happened later than yours it took me a while to learn the bit about it being the way of things. The pragmatic attitude to death, growing up in the 80s in a SPF in a suburban middle class area where it definitely wasn't the norm. So many similarities.
I can't remember - is your Mom still alive?
Posted by: Steve at June 17, 2005 10:26 AM
Mom is alive, kicking and knitting like mad. Often comments here under the name 'First Mom'.
Posted by: jimbo at June 17, 2005 10:59 AM
My Father and I have a relationship simular to Sarek and Spock. Slightly distant but the love & respect are there. We disagree with everything from A to Z but the respect is there.
My Husband's relationship with his father is more like Ben Sisko and Jake Sisko. Supportive, caring and nuturing.
I know given both Rob's and Mine outlook and geekness, our kid will grow up not only super loved and well rounded, but he or she will have the coolest fathers in the neighborhood :-)
Posted by: Dax at June 17, 2005 12:17 PM
I grew up in one of those traditional families. Let me say clearly- they aren't that great.
Posted by: homer at June 17, 2005 12:25 PM
I lost my father to cancer when I was 5. I think it impacts your childhood more than anything else that could ever happen, because it changes your world and how you are perceived by others from that moment on. I think I probably chose medicine out of that unconscious drive. I never really mourned my dad until college, when it seemed to unravel at once that I never had a dad. But I think there's one thing worse. Since losing my brother last year, Father's Day for my stepfather (and Mothers Day) has been even more particularly painful since I'm now an only child again. No parent should ever bury their children.
Posted by: Greg at June 17, 2005 4:20 PM
Agreeing with Homer.
Posted by: Joe.My.God. at June 17, 2005 4:39 PM
Wonderful. You've managed to say so much about the good qualities we attempt to carry on from our fathers. Your own father would have been very proud of the man you've become...
Posted by: Jeff at June 17, 2005 8:44 PM
Father's day also happened to be Juneteenth, an abolition of slavery celebration. We figured it was kinda ironic, because the stereotypical black person probably doesn't have much to celebrate on Father's day.
Been without internet access for a few weeks, hence the no commenting, not that I was all up in there, but I get my troll on.
Posted by: Kevin at June 20, 2005 9:52 PM
awesome post, jimbo. i agree with jeff - your father would have been very proud to see what an amazing son he has. i know that the two of u will meet one day....
Posted by: usuredo at June 20, 2005 10:52 PM