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February 3, 2005
your own personal hell
Tonight at the gym Phil Collins' "Sussudio" was playing on the speakers, grinding my nerves bare. I thought, "That's probably what they'll be playing over and over again should I be condemmed to Hell." Then I thought of the full scenario that some demon surely has in store for me in some circle down there:
Sentence for the Damned: Bus driver for the Washington Flyer Coach Service from National airport to Dulles airport on Hwy. 66 & the Dulles Toll Road during rush hour in August for eternity.
Physical Conditions: hemorrhoids, 100-degree heat and 100% humidity with no air conditioning.
On Rotation for Eternity: the Invisible Touch album, assorted Phil Collins singles. How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must): The World According to Ann Coulter only book on board, with The Today Show playing on the video monitors.
Supporting Players: The Miss Teen Republican Cheerleading Squad as passengers on the bus, hyped up on multiple bumps of crystal meth discussing the virtues of Lindsay Lohan singles.
Share your own personal hell in the comments section!
Posted by jimbo at February 3, 2005 9:34 PM
Comments
Sentence for the Damned:
Physical Conditions:
On Rotation for Eternity:
Supporting Players:
Posted by: jimbo at February 4, 2005 9:25 AM
Sentence for the Damned: Working as a clerk in a Dress Barn “Woman” in suburban Tulsa.
Physical Conditions: Morbid obesity; no feeling in one foot; multi-drug resistant oral gonorrhea; odor from nearby Hot Sam! constantly wafting into store
On Rotation for Eternity: speakers constantly playing Musak salsa versions of Nirvana and Björk songs; Golf Digest and The New American only reading material; TV stuck on Home Shopping Network - en Español
Supporting Players: tour bus groups on pilgrimage to Branson, Missouri and the Precious Moments Cathedral; I am continually asked if I have found the Lord, and also if I can clean up mess in restroom
Posted by: Eric at February 4, 2005 10:30 AM
Sentence for the Damned: Working in the local Monastery as the bed-pan changer for the elderly and infirmed.
Physical Condition: Stooped shoulders from being bent over for so long and incredibly thick glasses due to the lack of adequate lighting, constant nasal drip from the stench of urine.
On Rotation for Eternity: NOTHING, this is a Trappist monastery where no one is allowed to speak, ever! So on rotation is the sound of my shuffling feet along the dull linoleum floors.
Supporting Players: His Holiness, John Paul II, suffering with a badly abcessed anus.
Posted by: Seamus at February 4, 2005 12:17 PM
Sentence for the Damned: Changing the diapers of clowns who drive ice cream trucks.
Physical Condition: Amputation.
On Rotation for Eternity: Ice cream truck music and Rap.
Supporting Players: Rick Santorum rimming Reuben Stoddard for all eternity.
Posted by: homer at February 4, 2005 4:09 PM
Sentence for the Damned: 24/7 Phone IT support for lawyers with IQs of less than 80.
Physical Condition: Impaired hearing from death threats, and carpal tunnel; only able to type 10 wpm.
On Rotation for Eternity:Sickening inspirational "Wind Beneath My Wings" with Bette Midler & Eeeny meenie, minie, moe.
Supporting Players: Clarence Thomas drooling over himself then Anita Hill, then himself.
Posted by: copperred at February 4, 2005 4:53 PM
Sentence for the Damned: Being at a Phred Phelps Church service in August, 100% humidity, 100 degree temp., no a/c and they know yer gay and non-christian.
Physical Conditions: Epoxyed to the pew, with a caffeine IV drip.
On Rotation for Eternity: Ethel Merman singing "Invisible Touch" album repeatedly.
Supporting Players: Every illiterate Thumper Facist Bigot
Posted by: Lee at February 4, 2005 10:03 PM
Sentence for the Damned: Conversations with gay Republicans
Physical Conditions: outdoors, -20F
On Rotation for Eternity: a menu of rootbeer, coconut and raw onion
Supporting Players: ill behaved children and their oblivious mothers reading Soap Opera Digest
Posted by: Jason at February 5, 2005 1:50 AM
Sentence For The Damned :: Being a] Offical Towel Boy for the Log Cabin Republicans; b]Joycelene Wildenstein's Aesthetician; c] Anna Nicole Smith's panties.
Physical Condition :: Sober.
On Rotation For Eternity :: Barry Manilow's upcoming "Look Mandy - I'm Gay!!" CD.
Supporting Players :: Charo, Richard Simmons, most of my ex's.
Posted by: sean at February 5, 2005 1:53 PM
sorry to post this way but I missplaced your email...my blog has moved! wahoooo!
*have a great weekend*
Posted by: moby at February 6, 2005 1:39 AM