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January 16, 2005
MAL lessons learned
A number of lessons were learned last night in the hotel lobby area where MAL is hosted. People gather and chat and hook up, and as Bob says to me, it's comparable to the livestock exhibition at many state fairs: mostly a meat market of various farm animals, with a great number of pigs of all sizes and colors.
But this is why I blog, as I'm sure I've been through this before, but I keep having to learn these lessons over and over again. I have a shitty memory, and I continually surprise myself of the things I write about that I look back on in the archived entries. But hey, a shitty memory keeps me at some level of innocence. So here are some things I need to review each year before MAL:
Lesson 1: When the deal is sealed, leave the premesis immediately.
So I'm out in the tent outside the hotel lobby where there's a lot of cigar smokers. I had just come back from the gym, and didn't bring any of my own, but enjoyed the sights out there nonetheless, and was chatting with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. Then I see this hot jimbo fantasy man, who my friends say was with another aquaintance of mine earlier. Blond, bushy sideburns, goatee, furry, with a build like a lean college wrestler, smokin' a big 'ol stog. After getting up some nerve to talk to him, I approach and we chat for a bit. The deal was halfway sealed but he told me he wasn't ready to leave yet. In the future, translate this to, "I'll hang out with you until something better comes along."
Lesson 2: When on a mission, do not get sidetracked. There is no place for gregariousness in this situation.
While I was chatting with this guy, who we'll call "Chuck," I see a neighbor acquaintance who I met earlier in the week at the cards night. I integrate him and his friends, as I didn't want to seem rude. First mistake. We all introduce each other and the neighbor offers some drinks with the promise that it won't turn into a gang bang. He sounds sincere, so we all go up to his room for a drink.
Lesson 3: Continually show interest in and do not leave chosen trick unaccompanied.
Up in the neighbor's hotel room there are a bunch of his friends and we all pour drinks and socialize for a bit. I ask to use his bathroom as I'm sure it's cleaner than the one downstairs, other than the strange discolored towel in their bathtub. I don't ask about that. When I come back out to the room, I see Chuck is already messing around with two other guys. I'm annoyed at this point, and getting increasingly pissy. The neighbor looks genuinely surprised at the scene unfolding in his room, and I suspect there was a 'No Tricking' policy for his shared room. He loudly announces we are going back down to the lobby, and we head out. Chuck does not immediately follow, but appears at the elevator before we go in and asks where I'll be in a few. Not willing to hang around to be someone's sloppy seconds, I reply: "I don't know where I'll be," in a blank monotone.
Neighbor notices that I am pissed, and I explain the situation as the elevator goes down. While I'm not expecting monogamy in this environment, I still think Chuck was a bit of a dick for hooking up with someone else right in front of me. Neighbor is apologetic and looks honestly sincere, and I can't really blame him. I don't see Chuck until I'm in the coat check line, alongside one of the two he was messing with. He doesn't say a word. Just a bit earlier, the other guy who was messing around with Chuck in the room had the gall to cruise me back down in the lobby. This morning the phone call support council of Gurl, Bob and my roomate all tell me the same thing: I expect too much of men in such a situation. They are right, and I will expect less from men in a meat market in the future. Just another sign that I think I'm not cut out for the "Leather Community," as while I have more than a few kinks of my own, it's a frustrating place for someone who prefers 1-on-1 commitment, general empathy and consideration.
Chalk it up as a learning experience. And tonight we dance! Lots of beefy men in leather drag, and I will set my mind to having fun. Gurl is flagging argyle in his left pocket, Jeremy plaid right, and Jimbo periwinkle in left and right pockets.
Posted by jimbo at January 16, 2005 1:09 PM
Comments
I think most guys tend to stick to a 'there ain't no ring on my finger yet, bitch' kinda mindframe, even ones who generally prefer monogamy over village bicycle.
It can suck when a kin of the,'I claim this land in the name of King Kevin the harpoon' mindframe collide worlds. Most people aren't cut out for the scenes, lord knows I ain't.
You just gotta take it with a grain of salt, there are so many fucks in the sea, that nothin' really matters cept the big catches.
Posted by: Kevin at January 16, 2005 4:10 PM
wow. i feel so sheltered. i'd never heard of the whole flagging phenomenon
Posted by: myke at January 16, 2005 4:42 PM
is periwinkle a light blue color??
Posted by: bmw at January 16, 2005 6:13 PM
it is fine to expect less from other men in situations like the one you describe. just promise all of us that you won't expect less of yourself. just click those heels together three times and say "Jimbo ain't no sidedish!".
Posted by: WindReader at January 16, 2005 6:21 PM
I could have written something much like this at various times in my life, but it would have been called, "Why I Don't Go to These Events." I just can't ever seem to play the game properly.
Posted by: John at January 16, 2005 6:40 PM
That's right, I could have just summed it up in shorter entry where I just say, "I had a 'Jimbo ain't no sidedish' evening."
I had a much better time today, as in I just chatted with folks and friends.
Posted by: jimbo at January 16, 2005 8:46 PM
Men are dogs. It's how we are. We can't change. Can't become some other creature. We can, however be trained. But I have often wondered if a dog owner loves a dog more once it is housebroken, doesn't chew furniture, heels, catches the frisbee, and doesn't switch dicks in the course of an elevator ride. Having accepted that, I have found that sometimes, nature produces that rare wonder-dog who saves lives, herds livestock and keeps vigil over small children. I have been partnered with one of those for 21 years, and I know you'll find one too. Meanwhile, don't be too hard on the lesser dogs. They can be trained to do simple tricks. You don't strike me as a simple trick.
Posted by: farmboyz at January 17, 2005 11:20 AM
Hon, when I worked for the Army, the women always had a saying for themselves, and apparently some of their men: "A ring doesn't fill a hole". Even if you'd married Chuck and settled down in Vt, he'd be fucking the farmer's son next door. Still men are inherently trainable creatures, and you just need to find one thaat can still learn new tricks, but only turn them with you.
Posted by: copperred at January 17, 2005 2:54 PM
Welcome to the Ethics of Gay Event Weekends - there aren't any! Friends become rivals, lovers become strangers, and it's every man for himself. You wouldn't *believe* what happens to San Francisco around Pride weekend or the Folsom Street Fair. There's no use tut-tutting the change - either go with it or take a quick trip outta town. The hard part is facing everyone on Tuesday morning, of course...
Posted by: Clever Steve at January 17, 2005 4:10 PM
I am picturing Jimbo in a new t-shirt: "I am not a simple trick."
Posted by: John at January 17, 2005 4:38 PM
John I think we can simplify that phrase even better with a sleeveless pink tee shirt that just says "Princess" in rhinestone text. Can you say CHRISTMAS PRESENT!?
Posted by: jimbo at January 17, 2005 11:25 PM
It's a meat market - and meat isn't supposed to have feelings...
Posted by: Andy at January 17, 2005 11:55 PM
You need to spend some quality time with couples. But not too much time or else their domestic bliss will drive you nuts.
I wish you could have met my ex-roommate Belinda and her partner Melinda (cute huh?) or Dave & Jim. Thinking of the story they all kinda told of how they met none seem to occur in any sort of bar/meat market situation. B&M met through mutal friends doing some dogooder activity. D&J volunteer work in Alaska. B&I some artsy thing related to images of gender and ideas of masuclinity.
The lesson I take from them is do what you love, connect with people who love the same thing, and maybe (big maybe) you'll find your love.
Posted by: Marie at January 18, 2005 9:16 AM
This year I went on an Atlantis vacation - you know, the people who do the gay cruises & resort things? I had my doubts about it but it was quite fun. However, it was interesting to note that the crowd was about 50% couples, and I heard someone complaining that the couples were being greedy and scooping up the single guys.
Sigh. I found a boyfriend-for-the-week on day 2 and thus could divert my attention to better pursuits than man-hunting: body surfing, horseback riding, and well, you know, having a fabulous vacation.
Posted by: John at January 18, 2005 11:10 AM