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July 16, 2004
who were you before you were gay?
Yesterday I came across a thoughtful Waremouse blog entry that touched on something I had been thinking about alot recently. The 'mouse asks "Who were you before you were gay?" It's a good question for any urbanized gay man. Prepare for a ramble, and I make some generalizations. Of course I'm not talking about you, I only talk about me on this site.
In a lot of cases ghettoized gay men will shed a lot of traits we held before we came out in favor of traits held commonly by a community. We all like a sense of community, it makes us feel secure. We seek commonalities amongst each other. When everyone else is doing it, we'll tend to do it too. Sometimes we've possessed some of these traits for a long time, such as an obsession with Olivia Newton-John or a love for show tunes. Other times we pick up traits as we go along, often to the point of over-affectation.
(I have a theory that the bitterest queens are the ones who sold out most of what they used to be in lieu of becoming something they are not. They don't know why they are bitter, but getting back in touch with some of the things they used to do to might make them happier.)
As we develop our gay identities we might find out that we've lost a significant and valuable portion of ourselves in the quest to integrate into our exciting new gay culture. These days I go out to clubs, mostly hang around with gay people, and do a great many gay things. I don't regret this at all. I have always loved dancing and socializing. I like connecting and moving amongst people.
But things were a bit different back inna day for jimbo. I hung out with people that eventually became ferriers, wildlife managers, organic beef farmers and crunchy urban planners. Today I live in a dirty city and work with computers all day, just so I can be amongst purportedly well-adjusted, well-traveled, educated gay men.
It's a trade-off. Back in the Midwest, while the scenery was great and the pace more tranquil, the gay men I met were closeted, scared, married and generally unhappy. I didn't want to become a damaged, scared, hiding person, so I moved to the city, which is basically a big wildlife preserve for queers. It's a safe, affirming environment as most of our straight peers are understanding and intelligent. Here we don't get hassled much, and we don't have to struggle against an overwhelming hetero assumption. But it's still hiding in a way too.
This week I've been corresponding with this woofy daddy from Western Minnesota. He's been working for the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service for over 25 years. What moved me about his background was that he is what I could be, or once was. But he chose to remain in a rural environment, which has a cost of its own. He doesn't meet an awful lot of other outdoorsy guys nearby, but has an incredible work environment doing what he loves.
I'm not glorifying the hypermasculine fantasy lifestyle here, or discounting the urban gay scene. I guess I'm saying that lately I've been reminded of other ways to live my life, ways that are still possible. I've also been disillusioned with DC. It is a dirty city. When I visited NYC a month ago even the most ghetto parts of Brooklyn were cleaner. It's hot and expensive too, and I don't think I'm on the same frequency with the new residents of the city.
One of my goals in moving here was to develop my sexuality and expose myself to relationship potential. The former has been developed in force, and all I have to show for the latter part of that goal was a fucked-up relationship of 3 years. But it was something I learned from, and showed me things I won't fall for again, which I guess met my goal albeit not in the fashion I would have liked.
But I've been bored with the gay scene lately. I'm feeling confident I no longer depend on it. But would I miss it if it wasn't there? Am I really independent from it? It's hard to tell, but I think I will keep my eyes open for other places to live once I get this graduate degree worked through. In a few years I may be overdue for a location change to see who I am in another place. Right now I'm very appreciative of the experience I'm getting from this job, which will be a resource that will make a future move a bit easier. But where to? Who knows, but it will be a new adventure.
Posted by jimbo at July 16, 2004 10:44 AM
Comments
Excellent. Thanks for sharing these thoughts.
Posted by: Steve at July 16, 2004 11:26 AM
Good post.
Being someone who was never in the so called "Gay Scene" nor ever gained an interest in things like Show tunes or Olivia Newton John, etc.
(Hell I did not know what the METRO WEEKLY was until a year ago) I find it hard sometimes to understand the actions, behavior and communications of a lot of gay people I meet.
I have always been the "strange kid" in school who wore all black who listened to metal all the time. :-)
Posted by: Dax at July 16, 2004 1:56 PM
My sexuality has blossomed and is in full view here in 'da lovely MidWest....
I think any town or place has the potential for acceptance and for personal growth...remember to bloom where you're planted.
And the gay scene is something you don't miss when you're in relationshipLand because it's available to you 24/7.
Posted by: pat at July 16, 2004 7:54 PM
Great post.
I haven't been to a gay bar in about six months. I don't miss anything. Especially the smoke. Yuck.
I enjoy playing sports in gay/gay-friendly leagues. A good way to socialize and get a work out. Some very nice guys in our leagues. I do softball, darts, bowling.
I read in "The Rise and Fall of Gay Culture" that ghettoes are slowly fading away, and everyone "integrates." Sorry, but some things will never change--but I do agree that most of our former ghettoes--like Chelsea, Boystown, and Castro--are now higher rent integrated neighborhoods.
I'm leery of anything so insular that people are afraid to venture outside of "community values and groupthink." Isn't that boring?
Long live the rebel.
Posted by: Chris at July 16, 2004 8:42 PM
What a wonderful post!
It certainly spurred me to reflect on my own personal journey from growing up under the shadow of Jerry Falwell's church to coming-of-age in the excesses of gay Hotlanta. I was reminded of my first partner who was a farrier. While he was shoeing horses, I was a horse doctor ñ we made quite the couple in a very conservative, intolerant community in which the gay community was totally closeted.
But now I've grown very comfortable here in DC where I feel supported in choosing to live openly enjoying the vibrancy of city-life. The tradeoff being ñ not much need for a horse vet in Logan Circle ñ so I've had to find other avenues to apply my skills and knowledge.
One thing that I've discovered about myself, like a tree that's transplanted my roots will bind into the land to gain nourishment. Each time I've moved I have been able to find support from others ñ gay or straight, farriers or urban computer programmers. Who knows, I may again seek nourishment from the soil of a different land.
Posted by: Joe at July 19, 2004 10:38 AM
There's been some talk amongst some bear aquaintances lately about the need for a "bear community", which ties in to your point about how we come out.
Sure, I find bears hot, but I don't go to bear runs, and don't feel the need to be part of some exclusive group. It made my coming out process easier by having a group of guys to associate with. Much like having an urban area that supports some sort of gay community.
I don't need to be "post-bear", but putting myself into a one little category isn't what I need either.
Posted by: Collin at July 19, 2004 2:28 PM