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June 16, 2004
new summer rules for WSC
In order to better accomodate our short-term membership clients here for summer internships in Washington, DC, we'd like to let you know about our new relaxed rules for summer 2004.
New Gym Floor Rules for Washington Sports Clubs, effective Memorial Day 2004 until Labor Day 2004:
- You need not exercise or use the equipment while visiting our club. We encourage your social growth during your time in Washington, DC.
- This is now a singles/social athletic club. Feel free to gather in large bunches in walkways, the locker room, and near water fountains and talk as long as you want.
- If you see someone leaving their weight machine for even an instant, immediately acquire that machine and do not allow the former user of the machine to use it again. It is his fault for being away for 15 seconds for a drink of water anyway. Do not share your equipment with anyone. And again, take as long as you'd like on our machines, talk or read as long as possible.
- Cell phone use is encouraged on the gym floor, in the locker rooms, and during use of aerobic equipment.
- If you have Important Documents to read, please use our pench presses as your personal study lounge for as long as you'd like.
- If you do choose to lift our free weights, please accentuate your workout with orgasmic moans that express your masculinity. Your companions elsewhere on the gym floor will appreciate your vocalizations.
Yes, it's intern season again at they gyms downtown. At best they are packed with people who have no idea of how to conduct themselves in a crowded gym. Lately I've been working out at the gyms on campus where I work, and I think I will do so for the rest of the summer.
Tonight I will attempt to navigate the twisting bike trails that apparently go from the University of Maryland campus in College Park back home to DC. I could go straight down Route 1 / Rhode Island, but I could get run over or get shot too. I'll stick to the trails. But grampaw jimbo gets lost a lot, so if you don't hear from me in a few days, I may have ended up in Cumberland or Patuxent or Havre de Grace or something like that. Wish me luck.
Posted by jimbo at June 16, 2004 12:09 PM
Comments
That is why I like to workout at 5 am, there are no crowds and no one just lounging around. Just the people that are there to workout are there.
Posted by: Scott at June 16, 2004 2:00 PM
And that's why I studiously avoid working out entirely.
Posted by: Ed at June 16, 2004 3:25 PM
what's this thing your people call "gym"?
Posted by: donald at June 16, 2004 4:07 PM
HTML Police - "Vat! no Unordered list!, Vat kind on Mahkup is Dis!!!"
Posted by: Fitz at June 16, 2004 7:48 PM
Fitz: Whut thuh hell are you talking about? Those are HYPHENS! MT makes unordered lists not simple, so I just use hypens sometimes.
Posted by: jimbo at June 16, 2004 11:15 PM
You forgot some:
- The gym is designed for you to showcase your couture, not to break a sweat. Do NOT be seen under any circumstances wearing scuffy shoes or last year's Abercrombie shorts.
- Gym showers are for peeing and/or masturbating. Do not worry about wasting the time of anyone waiting to use the shower you're in; go ahead and tend to your personal bidness. Take all the time you need.
- If you're amazingly hot, wear something frustratingly baggy so nobody can appreciate your beauty. If you're amazingly unattractive, wear something skimpy and revealing so you can horrify everyone who lays eyes on you.
Posted by: Jake at June 17, 2004 10:41 AM
Are you getting lost again? Im gonna have you "chipped" so we can locate you when you wander off...just like my grandpa!
Posted by: GURL at June 17, 2004 3:48 PM
LOL!! I love it, Jimbo. And kudos to Jake for adding some more hilarious ones. ;)
Sorry we missed you at Pride. We were all talking about your booth and I was hoping to see you, but I got there pretty late and all I did was gawk at all the food and stuff myself with it, anyway. :P
Posted by: Ray-Ray at June 17, 2004 4:28 PM
A few more:
Our workers are encouraged to sigh, roll their eyes and make you wait to have your gym card scanned for entry. Any attempt to walk past this ritual will result in their calling you back to the counter loudly to have your card scanned.
Do not attempt to buy any sport drinks or bars from our displays. They are purely for show.
Don't even think of trying to use your ATM card for any purchase. Did you not read the previous rule above?!?
Please enjoy our endless loop of hip hop songs featuring Ja Rule. That'll teach you to not recharge your iPod each night.
Posted by: John Hughes at June 17, 2004 7:24 PM