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May 30, 2004
celene dion, vomit & shit
For all you Celene Dion fans: here's the connection between her and Prince if you haven't heard. Musical geniuses think alike.
Now y'all know I like to share, and I just have to this time. But don't read any further if you don't like gross-out stories, mmmkay?
Yesterday I had a meal of par-boiled chicken (we have no oven), broccoli and some ramen. I think I bought the Chinese ramen this winter when I was in Chinatown with 'tard during the snowstorm. But I thought ramen had a shelf life of forever due to the MSG. I was wrong. Read on.
After the meal I went to the gym only to find it closed early for the holiday, so I supplemented my missed weight time with a nice bike ride down Rock Creek Park to Georgetown, past the Kennedy Center along the Potomac River, then over the Memorial Bridge to watch the sunset. I came back up off the bike trail near the P Street Beach to DuPont Circle, then parked my bike near Lambda Rising. I needed a new bottle of lube, and the nice butch lesbians were very helpful in their advice I might add.
I digress. After my purchase of an 8.6oz. bottle of Wet Original Gel, I strolled over to get a grilled chicken tbm at Cosi. Got some groceries and headed home for a mighty evening playing CivIII.
I didn't notice throughout the day after the fated ramen meal that I had neither belched nor farted. The two are indicators of efficient digestion. My tummy was a bit distended. Nothing down there was moving, and something was cramping too. Then right there at my computer, I suddenly puked. Luckily my Big Gulp cup for water was at hand, so I had something to retch in.
Now I haven't puked since long before July when I had my tonsils removed. The plumbing in my mouth is different now. There are no hyperinflated nodules to keep vomit from shooting out of my nose. And it did. Big chunks of undigested ramen, flakes of sea-tangle flavoring and those unidentifiable orange chunks that are in the flavoring packets. I noted that the chicken tbm from the last meal did not fly by my face. Everything but the ramen was digested. The ramen noodle chunks were completely untouched.
I made it to the toilet without puking again, and blew the lodged chunks of food out of my nose into the toilet bowl. It just kept coming. I had no idea your nasal cavities could store so much vomit. Eventually most of it was shot out of my nose, but that smell remained. You know, that smell in the dorm room halls from freshman year, or in the basement of a frathouse. I couldn't get the smell out of my nose by just blowing, so I put my nose under the faucet and carefully inhaled water into my nose. That helped a lot, but I was still blowing ramen spice chunks out of my nose as of this morning.
But I still like Celene Dion.
Another gross tidbit: all last week my roomate and I couldn't figure out what the poopy smell was in our house. I assumed the cat had shit somewhere he wasn't supposed to. Then my roomate discovered someone had taken a shit in one of the empty, unused toilets on our first floor last weekend at the party! Pooped in a dry toilet! How frikkin' rude! WHAT DRUNK QUEEN SHITS IN THEIR HOST'S DRY TOILET BOWL?! And it was the nasty dirty toilet in our mud room where we store grimy gardening tools. Eeeew. That train must have been coming down the tracks pretty fast for her to use that bowl.
Posted by jimbo at May 30, 2004 11:53 PM
Comments
Last time I puked it came out my nose as well- brie and crackers. That was sick, way sick.
Posted by: homer at May 31, 2004 1:29 AM
ya know, i bought some wet lube the other day too at the request of my girl. she says she tried it cause every single gay man she knows recommends it.
and really, is there a better recomendation than that?
i think not. talk about proof in the pudding.
though personally, we prefer the platinum version.
and sorry about the nose vomit. really. that blows. so to speak.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo at May 31, 2004 11:50 AM
while reading this post and eating breakfast, i laughed and fruitloops and milk came out my nose.
Posted by: bmw at May 31, 2004 12:49 PM
I'm sorry for such a traumatic event for you, but I have to say, I have never laughed so hard at one of your posts! Maybe I'll think again about asking my doctor to take out my (as they always say, "wow, look at those big tonsils!") tonsils... I guess they have protected my nose the couple of times that I have blown chunks.
Posted by: Jeff at May 31, 2004 7:18 PM
It wasn't really traumatic...just interesting because I've never puked through my nose before. It marks a point in my life where I can still be witness to new and exciting experiences with my body. Our Bodies, Ourselves.
Posted by: jimbo at May 31, 2004 9:08 PM
I'd rather vomit through my nose for twenty-four hours than have to sit through a Celine Dion concert.
Posted by: chrisafer at June 1, 2004 11:00 AM
You are so mean. I love Celene Dion.
Posted by: jimbo at June 1, 2004 11:04 AM
My last hurl came courtesy of a nice case of deli-sandwich food poisoning. My heaves were so violent that I managed to lodge a little piece of puke-covered lettuce in my sinuses. I couldn't figure out why That Smell wouldn't go away for a whole week afterward ... until I finally discovered the offending roughage sitting innocently in a kleenex after a rather forceful blow.
That was April of 1990, and I'm proud to say I haven't puked since.
Posted by: Jake at June 1, 2004 3:20 PM
Wet's ok..but Eros is the lube of all lubes. Damn Germans are so efficient at everything....
Posted by: GURL at June 1, 2004 5:37 PM
Umm, I don't think I'll be eating ramen anytime soon now. :P
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