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March 11, 2004
the man with the wooden toenails
Oh no. He's here at the gym again. The Man With The Wooden Toenails. Look up, don't look down...don't look at them.
Imagine tan bark chips growing out of your toes where the toenails should be. That's what his toenails look like. Clearly it's a fungal infection of some sort that has gone untreated for at least a year. Add to it that he just doesn't seem to have a sense of personal hygene, as he often lets them grow up to 1/2" from his toes. He's there mainly to go desperately in and out of the dry and steam saunas, cruising heavily as people flee them both in horror when he enters. When he's there I walk on my heels for fear of contracting his fungal infection, and I keep my eyes as far from the floor as possible, lest I spy his vile toenails and feel the bile come up in my throat.
On a brighter note, I'm not going out tonight or tomorrow in order to store up my party points for the weekend. It's retro night at Nation, with a reliable retro DJ. Me and my gurl Ghuirelle are goin' out to shake it. It is my wish to hear a Shiela E. song, Touch Me (All Night Long) by Cathy Dennis, and whatever surprises Ed Bailey, former DJ at Tracks, has in store for me. He always pleases me.
I had a scary thought the other day. When Germany went all Hitler and shit back in the day, it was fortunate that it was a relatively small country, and the rest of the world was able to unify and squish 'em. What happens if the greatest military power in the world today goes (has already gone?) facist? Who would stop us and how?
Posted by jimbo at March 11, 2004 9:41 AM
Comments
Note to self: Never eat cornflakes while reading Jimbo's entries about toenails.
Posted by: brent at March 11, 2004 10:15 AM
must... get... cathy dennis... out of... head... send help.
Posted by: pj gallagher. at March 11, 2004 11:29 AM
YUCK!
Posted by: ruggerjohnnyd at March 11, 2004 11:50 AM
...but he does give marvelous head, you just have to wear showershoes, honey.
Posted by: Chaneekwa at March 11, 2004 12:06 PM
OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!! YOU DID NOT GO THERE MATT! TELL ME YOU DIDN'T GO THERE!! AUUUUGH!
Posted by: jimbo at March 11, 2004 12:15 PM
Ugh...please put disclaimers in your next entry. Toe nails and tuna fish do not go well together.
Posted by: Bubba at March 11, 2004 1:44 PM
I don't get it. You say 'fungus' like it's a bad thing or something. Huh?
Posted by: Corin at March 11, 2004 5:34 PM
Whats even scarier about Germany "Going all Hitler" was that it happened legally. Now thats scary.
Posted by: Dax at March 11, 2004 7:15 PM
I tried Mystic Tan once and had yellow/brown toenails for what seemed like forever...Possibly he is doing the Mystic tan thing.
Posted by: BoBo at March 12, 2004 12:18 AM
Bah!
I was going to try Mystic Tan this summer so once in my life I would actually have a tan. But not if it gives me long term fungus looking nails.
Any other side effects Bobo???
Posted by: Dwight at March 12, 2004 7:57 AM
These are no Mystic Tan toenails. They are corrugated, infectious monstrosities growing from his toes.
Posted by: jimbo at March 12, 2004 8:54 AM
If you think his toenails are bad, check out his balls, they're red like a ripe tomato...infectious red.
Posted by: Chaneekwa at March 12, 2004 1:27 PM
Jimbo is not exaggerating at all about the toenails. They have literally lifted off the nail beds. I dont see how he can wear shoes. The nails are actually curving off the the sides as well. They look all ripply and bumping and brittle and dead. All of them. Im pretty sure he is mentally ill as well. He has no cruising skills in the sauna whatsoever. Anyone that walks in gets stared at and he does the lame crotch grab manuver. On a 55 year old man who doesnt lift weights.... that tactic just doesnt have the same effect. I have a particular revulsion to feet in general....this man sends me screaming from the gym every time I see him.
Posted by: GURL at March 12, 2004 4:40 PM