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October 8, 2003
don't call her a 'bear'
"I vant to see zee bearz."
I knew German-to-English translation always sounded a bit harsh and abrasive, so I wasn't put off by the German tourists' abrupt request at the visitor center desk I was manning. However, there was no nearby location where tourists could get within veiwing distance of a bear in Homer, Alaska. I advised her that she could take the weekend ferry to Kodiak Island, where there was a possibility she could see the brown bears at the city dump. Like most tourists, she was surprised to find that polar and brown bears were not wandering around everywhere as they should be.
With reports of bear and tiger maulings in the news, no doubt the Today Show is going to announce a rash of animal attacks as the next 'it' threat to our everyday lives. In reality, they happen all the time, just not normally to famous folk that have already mauled their own face with plastic surgery far worse than an animal could.
Speaking of maulings, there's gonna be one in Ohio if Jocko keeps the scruff goin' on! Even while obscured by characters and pixels, jimbo senses some hot scruffaliciousness goin' on there. GRRRR!
This weekend during our D&D session, the geek posse was discussing the silliness of labeling those involved with the "Bear Community". If you're fat with facial hair, you're a 'Bear'. If you're smaller, you're a 'cub'. If you're skinny and hairy with a beard, you're a 'Wolf', and if you just have a mustache, you're an 'otter'. Despite all the protestations that this subculture is "masculine and down-to-Earth," I've found it to be not so dissimilar to the circuit scene - they're just larger, hairier and in truck driver drag, but are still just as insular and some take just as many drugs. Not that the latter trait is all that bad in moderation, but the fact that they say it's a manly cultural reaction to the body-worshipping cult of the circuit queens while still embracing many of their reviled habits strikes me as a bit hypocritical. I just try to keep it real, scruffy and furry, but please don't name me after a furry mammal. Try to be sensitive to others before calling them a bear too...some people tend to get real upset.
>; )
We thought up some new small mammal names just in case the Bear Community needs further subculturalization:
- Hedgehog: if you have a hairy back and just shaved it so the stubble is starting to grow out.
- Possum: if you've ever been hit by a car and carry a handbag.
- Woodchuck: if you only have hairy legs and ass.
- Squirrel: if you're hyper and on the Atkins diet.
- Rat: you eat at McDonald's and live in DC.
- Beaver: term already taken.
Posted by jimbo at October 8, 2003 12:10 PM
Comments
I think that, in general, its just become a convenient collecting pool for everyone who feels they don't fit into any of the other convenient labels commonly used to define gay men within the community(twink, circuit-boy, gym-bunny...etc.). I don't think it has much of an intrinsic credo left to it, but rather encapsulates a diaspora - from people who subscribe to the original values of 'traditional' masculinity, to those who just like the idea of a group that encourages excessive eating and body weight and of course, everything in between.
Still, in general, I cringe at the idea of having to be associated with an animal name in order to navigate through society.
But hell, maybe I'm taking it too seriously - a lot of them seem to have a lot of fun with the whole thing, so more power to 'em ;)
Posted by: dan_dc at October 8, 2003 12:22 PM
Skunk: You seriously need to wash that gym gear before you get on the machine next to me and lift those arms.
Mink: You're a vicious little thing that shops at Neimans.
Chipmunk: You think you're cute in that striped jersey but you're just hyper and annoying.
Posted by: einerlei at October 8, 2003 1:57 PM
Is that Leni Riefenstahl in that pic?
Posted by: Sam Gallia at October 8, 2003 2:13 PM
My friend Noel and I came up with Emu.
Because most people don't know what they are, so it's neutral, and therefore mysterious. And if you're a Mac guy like me, you're an iMu.
Posted by: Jeff at October 8, 2003 2:59 PM
As the fiance of "Woodchuck" , I can say that he is pretty hairy all over(not just legs and ass).
And have been given un-biased info from others and I must agree, that my man has very sexy legs :-)
Posted by: Dax at October 8, 2003 3:58 PM
yeah, I've always thought the term bear was just permission to eat anything you want and not actually exercise or do anything remotely healthy...except for the musclebears, which as far as DC goes, is more in theory than practice...
sloth: fat, hairy, doesn't move...well, that's also pretty much a bear
anteater: a fat hairy guy who gives good head
Posted by: stebbins at October 8, 2003 4:39 PM
How about an Iguana: A CircuitBoy who has spent too much time at the tanning booth.
Posted by: Brian at October 9, 2003 1:12 AM
These come to mind...
Rodent :: white trash hairy guy (G.O.P).
Chinchilla :: very very rich hairy guy.
Ferret :: white trash hairy guy (Dem.)
Ground hog :: homelss hairy guy.
Vole :: hairy guy with no friends.
Mole :: hairy guy with no friends, also involved in counter-espionage.
Hyena :: Meth-head hairy guy with a predilection for dumpster-diving.
Posted by: sean at October 9, 2003 9:17 AM
A friend of mine in response to an opening line of "Oooo, you're an otter" ...
"You otter stop drinkin' and otter go home."
Posted by: Steve at October 15, 2003 11:59 AM