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February 14, 2003
"ex"cellent valentine
I met up with Burl (not Gurl) the other night for a few beers, and Burl happened to mention someone he dated who lived with his "ex". We both rolled our eyes simultaneously, and agreed that it's most wise to put up the Red Flag with those boys. While staying in touch with exes is good and important, some never break that vital emotional tie. They are ultimately emotionally unavailable. I know of at least four cases in DC where a friend or former coworker either lives with his "ex" or is dating someone who is living with his "ex". Problems abound in every instance.
The last time I got really excited, I mean head over heels crazy excited for a guy was with Nick. Nick, also formerly a park ranger, was quite the buzzcut schnozalicious furry-butted Italian hottie. He could cook well too. He seemed somewhat sensible at first, albeit a bit older than me, but held his age very well. And you know age is rarely a problem with me.
However, there were a few problems. He already had a stalker, so that pleasure was taken from me. I really frown on competition. He also had an "ex" who lived a block away. He called his "ex" several times a day, and had a standing date every Friday. Now, for the average worker there are only two nights a week where you can get nookie in the evening then cuddle until morning. When one of those nights is already taken by the "ex", it limits nookie time dramatically. It also shows where your priorities are for socializing with others. Could the standing date be moved to, say, Tuesday night with your "ex"?
Nick loved to get riled up, and reveled in the drama of an argument. He could do so with abandon and without repercussion, since the "ex" would always be there in the end. While they didn't have sex, they didn't need to since they could both go their own separate ways in the physical needs department. You could almost have called it an "Exclusively Open Relationship" although neither Nick nor the "ex" would ever admit it.
What was really sad was when I went on a trip with Nick to the beachouse he owned with his "ex". Of course the "ex" was there, as were their group of friends. All the friends spoke of their relationship behind their backs, and it was painfully obvious to everyone but Nick and the "ex" that they were in a relationship. I felt like a total heel for going along with the charade for so long, and am still pissed about it to this day. I have no patience for the self-unaware, and even less for the emotionally weak. Is he really your "ex"? Then move your ass across town and be open to real dating. Today, Nick and his "ex" live together and co-own their own townhouse and beachouse. They both still insist that they aren't in a relationship.
Needless to say, a major red flag of mine during the dating process is continued cohabitation with the "ex"es. More often than not, they really are still in the relationship. Most men don't have the balls to truly separate completely enough under the same roof to truly be emotionally available to others. Kudos to those that claim they can, but be aware that we've all seen it before.
Posted by jimbo at February 14, 2003 2:04 PM
Comments
I totaly agree with you Jimbo. Exes who still live together is about as natural as Kosher Pork Rinds. And will cause uneasy-ness and friction if one of them starts to date another person.
As for me I deal with all my ex-mates by exiling them a level of Demon-Hell solely created from my pleasure. I dont talk to them nor dare even communicate. I only talk to one but thats just because we have been friends for over 5 years.
Anywho I totaly agree with you.
Peace out yo!
and HAPPY PEPE LE'PEW DAY!
Posted by: Dax at February 14, 2003 11:40 AM
I think I know Nick! He's a hottie...used to see him when I used to um, "jog" between Rosslyn and Lady Bird Park...nice and friendly...
Posted by: stebbins at February 14, 2003 11:46 AM
AMEN Sister...some men are emotionally very weak and they have to "brachiate" from one relationship to another (look it up if you dont know it fellas). They cant ever be single or alone... thats just too horrible to comprehend...so they jump from one guy to another...I had a conversation recently with a very handsome muscular socially prominant FB of mine(do I have any other kind Jimbo?)...who admitted to me he has never been monogamous in a relationship even when it was part of the agreement! (I made a mental note to myself to never get emotionally romantic with him). He then told me that he has NEVER been SINGLE since he was 15 years old (he is now in his late 30s). The minute he is single there is a long line of suitors knocking on his door...so he picks one. As a young person this is incredibly seductive...would any of us have said "no I think it is good to be single and have fun and get to know who you are as an individual."???? So the guy in question has a boyfriend and cheats behind his back..always has, always will. He is a great charming, desireable man who just never had single time to have fun, sow his wild oats, figure out who the hell he is individually....he has always been part of a couple..
But living with and EX??? Good LORD! How about the line "oh Im only living with him for a couple more months, then Im moving out"...HA, that line is used as much as "Im leaving her soon and then we can be together" HA HA HA HA. I started to date a guy who was "divorced". He lived in a studio on 16th st (in Chrisafers building). Everytime I called him his ex wife would answer the phone... she new he had started seeing me....she "stayed over a lot" because she worked in DC but lived far out in VA.... Ummmmmmmmm yeah............ that was just too weird a situation for GURL to deal with....
Always remember, men are just fancy monkeys...watch animal planet and you learn a lot about guys :)
On a lighter note...Happy Valentines day to Jimbo and all the other great guys out there.... you know who you are.... Ive always liked Valentines Day..... its a chance to be nice to people you like...wheather you are screwing them or not ;)
G.U.R.L.
Gay Urban Recreation and Living
Posted by: GURL at February 14, 2003 12:33 PM
I could see living with an ex for about as long as it would take to find a new place. And I think I'd probably spend most nights at friends' houses. Not that I ever plan on having an ex again.
Happy Valentine's Day, Jimbo. Look for a special treat from yours truly.
Posted by: Chrisafer at February 14, 2003 1:20 PM
Today marks the 6th anniversary of the last time I had sex w/ my ex.
We had broken up & he couldn't really look for a place or move out until he finished a HUGE project at work, so we co-habitated for about 6 weeks.
Yikes. Those were some weird times.
Totally agree w/ you Jimbo.
Posted by: Rob at February 14, 2003 5:25 PM
What is stranger is when your live in boyfriend of 5 years tells you he is moving out at the end of the week but then insists that your relationship hasn't changed. I went along with that for TWO YEARS (idiot) and then it hit me...our relationship was over. I'll never do that again. Breaking up and living together is a crutch...stay away from men who need crutches to limp through life. Look for the men who run free! (and preferably naked).
Posted by: Mike at February 14, 2003 5:47 PM
I wonder if Dax is speaking from experience about the uneasyness of exes living together?
Living with your ex is just too weird for me. I kicked mine out right away as I don't need that kind of drama in my life. Then again some people are just too afraid of venturing out on their own I guess.
Burl
Posted by: Burl at February 14, 2003 5:52 PM
No Burl, not from experience, when I end a relationship with a person I have been involved with,I either keep them at arms distance or send them to a level of Demon hell made just for me to send them too. I only ever lived with one person I was involved with and when things ended I moved out and did not look back. Since then just me and my Cat.
Again people who live with their exs is not Kosher. I never understood why People would ever do such things. I can understand having a photo or a momento of an ex .. Or staying until you get a new place.. but living withthem.. again about as normal as a Kosher Pork rind
Humans are a strange species indeed.
Posted by: Dax at February 14, 2003 10:07 PM