It happened again. We met at a party. We chatted online via Facebook. I did my due diligence and did a background check. All signs indicated he was single. Again, I should have just asked. I should know better and just ask upfront. But he wanted to hang out, go on a date.

But after all that chatting, texting, and 2 hours into a date, he didn’t mention any of these three useful pronouns:

US, WE or BF.

It’s that simple. Pronouns are easy, and can be helpful. Try these phrases to help drop a hint:

We went grocery shopping the other day.”
“I saw that movie with my boyfriend.”

I’m not slut shaming. I’ve given up being upset about the prevalence of open relationships in the gay community. I think I lean towards monogamy, but I’ve been known to play* with partnered guys. It’s just that partnered guys are not always upfront about their relationship status, to the point of being shady.

It’s just when I don’t know the whole story I get pissed off. I like to have all the cards on the table before proceeding. I think it’s a polite thing to do, to let the other guy know you’re in a relationship. If I don’t know you’re partnered, I assume you’re single and available.

I think it’s some kind of east coast Victorian propriety thing. It was much simpler in Portland. Those boys were very upfront and honest:

“Hi I have a boyfriend wanna fuck?” I am not kidding that’s how it went. It was refreshing, communicative and simple. I knew what was up and could make informed decisions accordingly. And I never got pissed off when they were upfront and honest about their relationship status.

Here in DC there are those ruled by perceptions of propriety, or something. I don’t know what the fuck it is here. I guess they think I won’t find out** or they think they will be perceived as slutty***.

Either way, next time I need to simply ask because I cannot assume they will disclose their relationship status.

*the verb to play – I loathe the term. I think it devalues the act of sex.
**I will find out. I’ve lived here for 15 years and I know everyone. I will find out.
***Do you think you’re the only slutty person in DC?

8 Comments

  1. Oldfartdc says:

    I have no idea why I continue to read your blog. You’re a middle aged man. You need to grow up. You should own a home, be realistic about dating, and not flit from job to job. If you land a good job in the future I would suggest you hold on to it. As you get older they’re harder and harder to come by.

  2. jimbo says:

    >>>I have no idea why I continue to read your blog.

    You crave the drama. You cannot resist the jimbo.

    >>>You’re a middle aged man. You need to grow up.

    Is this BrettCajun under a troll fake name?

    >>>You should own a home, be realistic about dating, and not flit from job to job.

    You forgot to add, “And go to the HRC gala with your partner in matching tuxedos.” Then I’ll be a REAL GAY!

    >>>If you land a good job in the future I would suggest you hold on to it. As you get older they’re harder and harder to come by.

    NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

  3. Dumplin' Honeychild says:

    Real estate shaming Jimbo? That’s just low.

  4. jimbo says:

    You are not a Grown Up Gay unless you own a house. It’s the main topic at cocktail parties, after all. And you’re the Ultimate Gay if you can say “We GUTTED IT!” followed by a long diatribe about how long it took the contractor to finish, how inconvenienced you were, and a long discussion about how much it’s appreciated in value.

    Frankly, I’ve always been behind the curve in terms of my ability to buy one. My career choice just doesn’t end up with a huge salary. And I live in one of the most expensive real estate markets on this continent.

    I don’t come from a rich background where I can ask for a whole lot of down payment. If I had a partner, then it might be financially possible. But apparently Real Gays won’t get a partner unless they Grow Up and get a house, and/or vice verse.

  5. brettcajun says:

    It wasn’t ME that read you, Hon. I’d put my name.

  6. Jon says:

    Oldfartdc, no need to be a judgmental prick.

  7. TED says:

    I think it’s something of a crapshoot these days as to whether buying real estate in DC is even a good investment. I did just close on a house, but I live and work out in the MD burbs, where you can buy a lot more for a lot less.

    On a different topic, I love the use of “play” to mean sex. Sex is really the adult version of play, or at least it should be when it’s done right. I don’t see the term as demeaning in any way.

  8. Fearsome Beard says:

    An HRC Gala in matching tuxedos? I think I just threw up. Just a little bit.