douchebag masc brosEvery page of this article was hilarious, even though I haven’t been to many of these places as they’re all straight bars: 25 Douchiest Bars in Washington D.C. I can’t confirm the veracity of any of the claims, but the City Paper already has a response regarding the douchiness of the Black Cat’s Red Room.

I can confirm that DC is getting douchier. Living within the borders of DC is no cheaper than it used to be, but it’s certainly become more popular. There’s so many places that “foodies” can explore after all! All of them riding their “fixies.” Wait, I’m confusing hipsters with douchebags. Or are hipsters now douchebags? I’m so confused…

Like I said no gay bars were mentioned in the above article. But can gay bar patrons be douchey? They certainly can. Check out Nellie’s on a Saturday night – scores of “masc bros” with low-hanging ballcaps there to reaffirm their masculinity at a “sports bar” but only before all the “queens” show up at around 10pm. Then they have to go because it’s become “too gay” and they gotta get back home to update their Grindr profile (“Discrete only, face pic upon request.”).

J.R.s isn’t so much douchey as it is simply a sad crowded watering hole for alcoholics. The drink specials there are legednary. OK maybe MOVA is douchey – it certainly attracts the nouveau riche willing to pay ridiculous prices for rail drinks. Secrets/Ziegfeld’s is too far away to be douchey – it’s simply distant. Town: another sweaty watering hole – douche levels depend on how many bridal shower parties are in the building at any given time. Oh wait…DUPLEX DINER IS DOUCHEY. As I once called it “a nest of vipers.” A wicked place indeed but their meatloaf plate is tasty.

This just in: Brightest Young Things reviews the 25 least douchey bars in DC.

9 Comments

  1. Mari says:

    JRs is a fire hazard. Too many people in a small space. Yeah, that describes a lot of places in DC. Every club and bar in DC is a fire hazard.

  2. Blobby says:

    Cobalt (the twice I was in it) was quite douchey.

  3. John says:

    Becoming?

  4. Charles Walker says:

    Any gay bar that has a VIP room or invitation only events (that you get invited to by ‘liking’ them in Facebook) is douchey.

  5. Cubby says:

    Town might be douchey? Uh oh, I’m going there Friday night for Bear Happy Hour and to see Tom Goss perform. I hope you were talking about the Saturday night crowd.

    I agree with Blobby about Cobalt. I was there a few days ago and it was quite douchey.

    Jimbo, I’m new here in DC. Help me avoid wasting my evenings and let me know the non-douchey places I should be checking out.

  6. jimbo says:

    To be fair, Bear Happy Hour at Town isn’t douchey, some other nights are. And I do like how Cobalt has been constantly improving their premesis over the years. They know they have to compete and have been upping the game in terms of interiors – and Cobalt and JRs have installed lo-flow urinals to save water.

  7. Dax Books says:

    Speaking of “Gay Sports Bars” I would actually like to find one that has bartenders that actually know something about sports. When I ask who about the Stanley Cup finals or any other series games, I do not want to get the response of “What’s that?”

  8. Cubby says:

    I have to report that Bear Happy Hour at Town last night was absolutely not douchey. We had a great time and we’ll be going back. It’s going to be good living in a thriving gay community with a substantial bear population, unlike living in Ohio where we had to drive 50 miles to take part in anything. We are loving metro DC!

  9. cb says:

    DC is full of politicians and government folk. When was it ever NOT douchey?