A recent chat exchange on Scruff has inspired me to blog again!
It’s about big giant Sarlacc Pit bottoms and Star Destroyer tops.
The image below is an artist’s rendering of BrettCajun‘s gaping hole:
BrettCajun's gaping hole
The Sarlacc Pit was that big giant hole (see image above) with tentacles in Return of the Jedi that ate Boba Fett and almost got Luke Skywalker too. The Star Destroyer was first seen in the original Star Wars movie and one crashed on the Death Star, penetrating deep into its core.

So anyway I was chatting on the Scruff app with a guy in my neighborhood and I could see where the conversation was going very fast. Eventually as I expected he said, “I’m a ‘vers/bottom’, what are you?”

My immediate thought was “Why does it always have to come down to assfucking? Is this really the be-all end-all of gay existence?” I think I’m bored with the whole top/bottom dictomy and rhetoric. But I understand fucking and/or being fucked is the Alpha and Omega for many gay men. I don’t know about you but my sexual experience with men is more than just fucking.

Of course people like BrettCajun will respond to that with “Oh you’re just saying that because you’re a big huge nelly bottom.” Such people are the very type of folk who obsess over the whole top/bottom thing in the first place. Brett sees himself as the biggest Alpha top in the world, and everyone else is a meek fem bottom. Inevitably the more these people protest about them being a top and everyone else being a bottom, the more you understand what a big giant bottom they are in reality. Seriously, every time I’ve met a guy who makes a big point about being a top, he inevitably flips over and screams to be fucked. Not that that’s a bad thing, but I respect honesty and genuine intentions instead of some bizarre cognitive dissonance about sexual identity and role stereotypes. God that shit bores me to tears, no pun intended. I don’t mind fucking but just be honest about what you like. A dance or word game beforehand is tiresome.

Anyway, former blogger and former DC socialite TJ once told me that I was more “orally oriented,” which is pretty accurate. I really like to make out and do other things with my mouth. Safe assfucking in one direction or another can often come out of this but it isn’t a guaranteed endpoint with me. So when guys start immediately asking about what role I serve in the fucking process I roll my eyes. Isn’t it kind of fun exploring and finding out that role through a discovery process? Have you ever been surprised? Are we just generic labeled items with our titles in black Arial boldface with a white background?

I remember reading that Savage Love column (3rd part of this article) that cited stats supporting that I’m not alone in this line of thinking, even amongst the gay:

“Of all sexual behaviors that men reported occurring during their last sexual event, those involving the anus were the least common,” Joshua G. Rosenberger, one of the study’s authors, writes.

Basically it said not every gay is fixated on the whole top/bottom thing. But you wouldn’t think that was the case with so many guys so fixated on insertive/receptive roles and procedures.

Anyway, wanna make out?

20 Comments

  1. Gary says:

    yes!

  2. Partick says:

    sure

  3. Jim says:

    Damn right – kissing, touching, sucking, rubbing, mutual jacking … YUM!

  4. Luther says:

    What a wonderful fantasy! A hug would be wonderful.

  5. Sean says:

    Love this post Jimbo. As soon as I start chatting with a guy and he asks the dreaded “top or bottom?” question, I feel reduced to nothing but body parts. It’s so boring to me. Is that really all there is to finding the “right” mate? So diminishing. Kissing rules.

  6. Moby says:

    I’m still laughing about the part where you mentioned Brett being a top!

  7. Peter Maria says:

    OK, totally agree with you. But… doesn’t your mother read this blog?

  8. Blobby says:

    I’m w Moby on this one. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Clearly Brett hasn’t seen this post or is on his 18th draft of his response. I’m going w the latter.

    As for the image above, it’s what I always assumed a vagina was like. A big sandy hole with teeth.

  9. brettcajun says:

    The ONLY reason I didn’t respond (until now) is that I chose to spare sweet little angel pookie bear Jimbo from certain vitriol coming out of my foaming mouth.

    Let’s get something straight here bitches!!! I am NOT a bottom. Do I walk, talk, or quack like a bottom? HELLZ NO. I ain’t swishy and I sure ain’t squishy!

    Now if you’ll excuuuuuuze me, I’m getting ready for the MANLY lesbionic sport of tennis, decked all out in an Adidas track suit to brave the biting 39 degrees weather here in south Louisiana.

    Grrooooowl. Scratch. SPIT.

  10. John says:

    AMEN Jimbo.

    Brett, there’s not much nellier than being butcher-than-thou.

  11. Joe says:

    I want to make out with Jimbo :)

  12. Another Dan says:

    I think this Dan Savage column might be what you’re looking for. It’s from the first week of November 2011:

    http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=10571844

  13. jimbo says:

    That’s the one! Thanks for finding it Dan – and thanks for actually reading that far into the post!
    >; )
    Hilariously, a guy with the screen name “TotalTopDC” woofed at me the day I posted this entry.

  14. J.P. says:

    I love this blog post. Like you, I have never enjoyed the whole concept of assfucking being the be all end all of gay sex. We are the stereotypical creative ones of humanity, I know we have much better ideas than emulating straight sex with the parts we got. After all, it really isn’t a party unless someone is swinging from a chandelier. Personally I’m happiest when mustaches get to mingle for extended periods of time.

  15. Jason says:

    The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

  16. Jeffrey C says:

    Wait. People still have sex?

  17. John says:

    Good post…but maybe this is the sort of thing that should posted in a separate blog under a pseudonym.

  18. TED says:

    I think that if you’re on Scruff, you get people who are disproportionately interested in ass fucking. Also, people who are disproportionately not interested in making out.

    Another thing is that making out is a much more intimate (and fun, when the guy’s any good at it) activity than fucking, and a lot of your typical Scruff guys are getting their intimacy needs met with their partners and/or wives, and they’re looking for something much more physically oriented. Also, there’s a lot of butch posturing on Scruff, and for whatever reason, a lot of guys see loving to kiss as somehow incompatible with being masculine, even if they’re enlightened enough to realize that masculinity and bottoming go together just fine.

    My particular bete noire is African American guys on the dl who won’t kiss. What’s the point of bedding a guy with big soft lips if you can’t kiss them?

  19. jimbo.info » Blog Archive » Holiday flakes says:

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  20. ryan charisma says:

    I’m still stuck on Brett is a top.

    I can’t wrap my mind around that one.