I noticed there were tons of hot beardy gay nerdfolk from out of town on Scruff this weekend. I did a little convention research and learned that the Neuroscience 2011 Conference is going on in DC through Wednesday. All I can say is neuroscience produces a lot of adorkable scruffiness.

It was a nice break from the usual overwhelming tide of partnered gay men in DC looking for distraction and/or sex on that app. Call me naive, but shouldn’t y’all be having sex with your partners and/or spending your time at Home Depot working on gutting the rowhouse you just bought together? Cuz it appears that partnered gay men in DC just live together and spend most of their time on Scruff looking for sex with other people.

It’s no secret that many gay men tend to have open relationships. But I would like to think that I will perform most – if not all – of my sex with my chosen partner. I’ve done it once before and had a rockin’ sex life with my partner of yore. To my knowledge we were monogamous during the course of our relationship. You will find out if you’re compatible that way during the dating period. And if you’re not I guess you’ll end up with a sexless relationship and have to be on Scruff or Manhunt all the time. Personally I find the whole search to be completely exhausting and very time consuming. I wish I didn’t have to do it at all.

It makes me wonder how many of these partnerships are mostly a matter of propriety, since the horrors of being single is clearly too much to bear. And for many I know it’s more a matter of security – either emotional or financial – and there’s no actual love to speak of there. I for one am holding out for the feeling.

Dark Phoenix will destroy youI recently reached out to a guy from out of town and got severely burned. It turns out there was a pre-existing relationship going on that I wasn’t debriefed about. And to add insult to injury, his boyfriend looks like the lead singer of Smash Mouth. This is like the 3rd or 4th time this has happened to me where I press forward and it turns out the guy was just flirting and had someone of his own already or suddenly just happens to find someone. Yeah right

This is why I have a huge chip on my shoulder about the ubiquitousness of flirty partnered guys online and in person. I guess some people need to flirt and get attention from as many sources as possible despite the cost because apparently they’re not getting attention at home. And they flirt with abandon regardless of the feelings of the single guy, because we are an expendable, renewable resource that keeps coming back for more. They view single people as some kind of game prey species bred for consumption.

But know this: if you are flirting with me and am not informed about your pre-existing relationship or marriage in an appropriate time you will be forever marked by me as a low-life scumbag emotional vampire turdshit. Appropriate meaning like in less than 20 minutes of conversation this teensy little fact about your significant other should come out in some way or another. Any longer than that and you’re hiding your status and being sketchy. After days or weeks of correspondence (especially personal phone conversations) you are damned if you don’t fill me in on your marital status. Assholes.


  1. John says:

    Jim, the following tidbit on gay stereotypes is from Patti Stanger, host of BravoTV’s sleaze-fest reality TV show, Millionaire Matchmaker:”

    “There is no curbing the gay … I try to curb you people. I’ve decided to throw in the towel and say do what you want, but when you find the right person, you will know. You’re not going to want to go on Grinder and all those other sites.”

  2. jimbo says:

    I don’t quite get what she’s saying in that controversial quote (the quote is all over the place without reference) but I think Patti calls it like she sees it. Her mad matchmaking skillz are amazing. Maybe I should call Patti.

  3. Mari says:

    I know of at least one partnered man who considers his status as “single” because he and his partner are not domestic partners or legally married or anything on any piece of paper. So he might not be the only one with this mindset of “I’m not married so I must be single”.
    Also where is the line between being very friendly and flirting?

  4. jimbo says:

    I think there is ample opportunity for people who spend significant amounts of time with a certain other special person to be able to use the pronouns “us” or “we” in a conversation somewhere without too much inconvenience. And if you’re on Scruff or Grindr, you’re flirting. I’m sorry I don’t buy it that you’re on there for just chatting.

    Anyway my point is there is a certain point in a conversation that if you haven’t mentioned your significant other, you’re being shady.

  5. Sean says:

    I’ve been having these exact thoughts lately. I see so many guys who look appealing, and then I see “I have a partner, but it’s okay, he knows I’m here.” Well good for you and him, but I want nothing to do with that scene. I’m old fashioned, I guess. One man is all I need or want.

  6. brettcajun says:

    I don’t know about you guys, but I love when Jimbo bitches about ANYTHING! He’s our ragin’ little internet bitch in this moribund world. As I hold up a bloody tampon in salute, alls I gots to say is: RAGE ON CUNTZILLA…. RAGE ON….

  7. RG says:

    Ignore Ms. BrettCajun: he’s still pissed that his age caught up with him at a tennis tournament.

    You’re spot on – for me, being single after 40 (ten years after 40 to be precise) is a pain in the ass. I have no problem with fuck-buds, because that role is clearly defined. But don’t lead me on and slip me some info that would’ve been more pertinent earlier in the dating game.

  8. John says:

    “t makes me wonder how many of these partnerships are mostly a matter of propriety, since the horrors of being single is clearly too much to bear. And for many I know it’s more a matter of security – either emotional or financial – and there’s no actual love to speak of there.”

    I think it’s a little presumptuous think you *know* that much about the complexities of somebody’s long-standing relationship, or that you can recognize love in the form it takes after people have been together for ten or fifteen years.

  9. Joe says:

    I know exactly what you mean. Nothing worse than picking up / hooking up, hoping its more that what it was and then finding out the person is partnered and the chill of when they act as if they don’t know you.

    On a lighter note I think you are adorable…

  10. TED says:

    Men on hook-up site not completely honest about selves: film at eleven. Seriously, while I agree that hypocrisy and outright lying reach epidemic proportions on Grindr and Scruff, what else do you expect? They’re sites dedicated to getting horizontal, not to getting a husband. People lie when they want sex. This is why we use condoms.

    Also: a guy who’s cheating (or in an open relationship) and lying to you about it is probably not all that upset that you consider him a vampire turdshit. If you want to change behavior, you need a scarier punishment. Maybe you can get their gym memberships revoked.

    On the plus side, if there’s anyone who’s likely to share your heteronormative views on sexual exclusivity in a relationship, it’s probably a visiting neuroscientist.

  11. Dingo says:

    Hi Jimbo! After our own experience on the matter a while back, I altered my opinion under the banner of “I Am Not The Only Person On This Planet So Don’t Be A Dick.” However, reciprocity being a virtue, anyone looking to date, seeking a partner, or wishing to avoid taken men for whatever reason must also state as much, especially in places designed for hooking up rather than romance. This omission is just as rampant as a false or empty relationship status.

  12. Patrick says:

    Great post especially the part about the time wasted on-line.

  13. Luther says:

    Jimbo, In my 44yrs of outness I have only known one couple that was monogamous! All others either played around together or separately! Famous quote from SF”So Many Men, So Little Time”

  14. David says:

    I agree with you about integrity, Jimbo. As I push 60, I don’t have time for hte games anymore. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a site where honesty and integrity were the norm?

  15. Scott says:

    If I can’t mention my life partner in 20min of conversation I am either useless at conversation or useless at partnership. I can’t see any 3rd option!