Crazy for Love
Do you remember the tragic news story about the 48 year-old man who opened fire in a Pennsylvania fitness center in August, injuring 12, killing three women and then himself? Since then it was discovered that he had a blog and videos on YouTube. It turns out he was very fixated on his status as a single person, or at the very least terribly lonely - anxiety patterns which may have led him to eventually go postal. Listening to what he was saying certainly made me reflect and review any concerns I might have about my own status. Some of the things he said were chilling and I came to the conclusion that he needed to get some far more often than he did, but couldn't for various reasons.
At least I'm getting laid once in a while. I don't think he was gettin' any, and he's a good argument for legalization of prostitution. Sex is good for you, and while we all would love deeper intimacy and that connection with someone, it's a big help to get help with shooting a load once in a while even if he or she isn't your soulmate.
Now a person's single status is never a good excuse to go postal, but I can kind of see where his thoughts are coming from. In addition to loneliness, there's also societal pressure and assumptions that go along with being single. Such pressures are even stronger for straight people. I've seen the pressure on the remaining single straight females in my high school peer group. Once one of them got married and pregnant, the rest fell like dominoes in the subsequent years. For the last one who felt that she had to get married, the pressure must have been enormous. I think in the minds of most heterosexuals in the U.S. it is assumed that you will get married and have children as soon as you are of legal age to do so. There isn't much room to think otherwise, which to me is unfortunate. I believe it is this assumption that leads to premature marriage and such a high divorce rate.
There isn't always such pressure when people know you're gay. Although these assumptions are changing, it's still not always assumed the gay man is going to hook up and get married just like his/her straight peers. It's one of the nicer freedoms about being gay - no relative or group of friends is [strongly] hassling me to get married or have kids. At least I don't feel such pressure and I kinda like that. While the idea of a mini-me is amusing I'm not really interested in having or raising kids. I am interested in getting to know a person I respect better and learning to share my life with that person as long as I can. On the other hand I'm also learning that perhaps I may also be just as happy going solo. But again, aside from a few comments here and there no peer group is on my case about it like they might be for heteros.
Regardless of the different levels of societal pressures on various orientations, I still advise you not to ask any single person the dreaded obnoxious question "SO WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?" We hate it when you ask that and it's kinda rude.
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If this is your subtle way of saying you want to make babies with me, then yes Jimbo, YES YES YEEESSSSS!!!!
I get that "marriage" question every once in awhile, usually from strangers. I have a pre-packaged answer always at-the-ready for such occasions.
a) I'm perfectly happy living my life as a single man and to do as I please
b) I live a stress-free life so I don't need the frustrations of a relationship
c) I haven't aged in over a decade, as a consequence. (unanimously agreed by all inquisitors)
Very close friends might ask why I haven't found a partner. I just say that I haven't met anyone compatible yet, though I'm not actively seeking a relationship because of points a) and b).
I have never officially hooked up, so I can safely say I have been single all my life. I am an extremely good shot, but never felt any "postal" urges.
There may be less pressure for gay men but there is still this assumption, not always spoken, that being coupled is the desired ideal and anything else is a little sad.
And I think the straight world is a lot more comfortable with coupled gay men, because theoretically the wild sexual beast has been tamed or some crap like that.
As for the crazy shooter, I suspect it's possible to get laid often and still be incredibly lonely - in fact entire industries have been organized around making this possible and profitable!
That Jimbo, he is such an nice boy, I wonder why he has never found himself a nice man to settle down with? Maybe we should set him up with Delores's son... he's a doctor dontcha know. Now now, I know he doesn't like getting set up... but he is not getting any younger... You don't want him to end up an old maid!
Hee hee.
So tired of the "Why are you single?" comments. And I also hate it when people tell me, "When you least expect, Mr. Right will come along."
Speaking as a coupled person: I love my partner. I value the relationship. It is hard to imagine life without it. But if we'd never met, I would be living life without him, and I would have missed a bunch of things, and experienced some others I suspect. Anybody who's been in a relationship that has gone on for years knows that having someone does not, on its own, confer happiness - at least not without effort that's probably equal to the effort of creating a happy single life for yourself.
It's one way to live and it's good. It's not the only one though. That might sound weird coming from someone who has spent the last four and a half years with a partner, but it's true.
I think, unfortunately, too many people spend their single life "looking" (which is usually not a terribly fulfilling way to live") and then when they meet someone and get serious, realize that it's not instant bliss, and go back to looking. Far better to be single and build a life with the friends and emotional life and sex life that satisfy your needs, and if you find yourself with someone you think you want to make a life with, do so understanding that you are giving things up, gaining some other things, but NOT getting a free pass to effortless happiness.
Maybe you ought to not hang out with people with such poor manners would be Miss Manners response. Back in the real world that seems harder to accomplish. As John noted you really can use the lack of attachment to go for other things: sometimes other people are a real drag on your career, travel and opportunities, and sometimes they are the reason for all 3.
I can vouch for the fact that lack of sex is not healthy. I've only been in Montana for a month and I'm going nuts, and that's even with a trip back to Seattle for my birthday on the 6th, during which I got laid! I find myself surfing BigMuscleBears compulsively, like some people chew their nails. It's partly from boredom, but another part from a physical need to be touched by another human being. I'm not going to get that physical need met, but looking at the guys I'd like to remedy the problem with at least gets me by. Or drives me nuts, I'm not sure which... I'm never living alone in a place like this again, I don't care what wonderful job or whatever is offered.
And my answer to "why hasn't some nice man just snatched you up yet??" is always, "you find me one worth getting snatched up by and the problem is solved. Until then I will remain unsnatched." So to speak.
Don't go postal Jimbo, just come visit Montana and I think everyone's problems will be solved, if but for a little while ;)