magic underpants will not cure your homosexuality
In "Our Own Judy Garland," Dogpoet eloquently describes the life experiences that have led the gays to be so angry these days. In response to commenters cautioning the author and others to be careful with such feelings, he responds:
"I’m a writer. The writers I most admire go after the truth. If they always took the high road, then we would have no compelling literature. I’m not interested in sugarcoating or whitewashing genuine emotion. If you want the moral high road, go to HRC’s website."You have to read the whole thing, not just the first few sentences. It's a good piece, as he is, as much of his writing is.
His entry leads me to write about something disturbing I discovered this week while tracking down old teammates to invite to our rugby team's 10th anniversary dinner. I was using Facebook to track down one alumni who played with us very early in the team's history, back when it was a predominantly gay team. At least he was gay - even as of this summer when he was shamelessly flirting with me through the site. The last time someone flirted with me that intensely was right before he shacked up with his partner - albeit happily so, and with a male partner. Fine by me.
But this one is recently married to a young woman, probably innocent in the probable history of a gay man in his early forties faced with loneliness, social and political pressure, and a relapse of the relentless proselytization of an aggressive "Christian" church. For this former homo now wears magic underpants. Neither I nor any of our mutual acquaintances remain on his buddy list. Slate wiped clean. Apparently, it's that easy.
I wasn't surprised to learn of his total overhaul. He always seemed uncomfortable with "the scene" and didn't seem to identify with many on the team. Rugby may have been a way for him to reaffirm the masculinity he perceived he was losing by being gay, as I've sensed in many others who come to try out the sport.
As Dogpoet writes in the entry I encourage you to read, being gay is tough. Well, life is tough, but then you discover what you are, and find yourself in a very small minority and you think you're the only one who thinks that way. Then you find others like yourself, but there's this whole series of potential pitfalls that you're totally unprepared for, because most of your lifetime preparedness plan is based on a heterosexual template that doesn't really apply to this new path. So you're tasked with rearranging priorities and learning lessons as they come to you. It requires tenacity and strength of character and will I don't think many of us realize we have. This strength comes from our experiences navigating a completely new and different set of challenges in life. Drugs, an alcohol-based subculture, disease, and countless negative messages directed towards us every single day. We learn which part of the buffet of life to reject, what portions cause us pain, and which foods are good for us. 
And always there's the reminder that most of the world is designed for that larger group of people. Meanwhile most of us are trying to at least be comfortable, if not happy. I think the majority of us get through this gauntlet in passable condition, but certainly not unscathed.
And some don't make it. Some disappear completely, or change into a totally new and unrecognizable persona. As far as I'm concerned, this guy took the easy way out, but in the long term it's gonna damage him and the poor woman he married. But most of us are damaged goods - even the heterosexuals. Life isn't necessarily easy for them either, just somewhat easier than ours. Pretending you're one of them (and a righteous one at that) isn't a constructive solution.
At least I'm honest about my fantasy escape once every couple of weeks when I enter a magical fantasy world with a twenty-sided dice and a bunch of homo geeks. That's how I roll.
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I made it through the transition, officially later than I should have, personally somewhat earlier, having had to break through heavy anti-gay indoctrination from family and Catholic school. But it wasn't a personal trauma--being gay and accepting it, entering the gay world saved me. Life opened up. Friends, both straight and gay, ask what it was like and I say, like watching the sky suddenly clear after a heavy storm.
I think there will be a transformation in American society under Obama--at least I hope so as I'm working for it however I'm able to support him and his agenda. The fall of Don't Ask, Don't tell and the rise of a vastly more gay-friendly generation of young people than we've ever seen before should begin the process of undemonizing being gay. Perhaps, just perhaps, the legions of gay men hiding behind sham marriages will be reduced as pressure to be closeted begins to evaporate.
Will
DesignerBlog
Is his name Anne Heche?
Convincing people that being gay is not a choice is always the largest hurdle. sadly my family still refuses to believe this and it greatly aggravates my life. Still one has to carry on and learn to live the life they have rather than the life they might have expected. I don't put huge amounts of energy into trying to change the opinions of those around me, i just live an honest and helpful life and trust that most will come around.
I loved dogpoet's post and though I often tell people to try and not get angry I can completely understand the occasional flashpoint when straights or religious folk just push to hard. I think it's funny that gays have had to put up with folk like those preachers and the Phelps clan forever yet when he or they start protesting straight funerals or military funerals the shit hits the fan and laws get passed fast.
My coming out was my own personal Katrina.
I decided to stand and weather the storm because of the pain my "closet" could cause others. The sky did clear -- eventually.
And I'm celebrating my 25th this coming May, betches!
Hi Jimbo. Thanks for a great, thoughtful post. It's somehow comforting to read it on my 11th anniversary with Darren. When I was in college, I always assumed I'd live my life alone.
I actually had a boyfriend for two years in high school, and he's married now with kids. Still, I know that he has weekend getaways with a friend of his up at his cabin. They fish, drink too much, and end up having sex. It's very Brokeback. I get the impression he's really happy with his wife and kids, but that's not quite enough for him.
I feel bad for his wife. It sucks to be cheated on, no matter what is driving the infidelity.
My coming out was super hard, but I have to think it was tons easier than living that sort of divided life.
- Sean
Damn I was counting on those underpants.
I got the feeling from the dogpoet article that it had the tone of justifying the alleged violence against the preachers who entered the Castro.
Personally I don't think violence against individuals (unless in self defense) is ever a good idea or justified.
That Dogpoet post was incredibly on target. It is extremely frustrating that so many people believe that being gay is something we chose. Dogmatic religion notwithstanding, I just don't understand how people can be that stupid considering what it has been like for gay people in this world. That's where the rage wells up in me sometimes. But we are moving forward, in spite of what some would say. And it's because of a combination of out of control anger and measured diplomacy.
Is it possible to have magic underpants in D&D? :)
Good post Jimbo!!!!! There is HOPE!!!!!!
Jeff: I suppose a magical artificer could technically create a pair of magic underpants that could bestow a variety of magical effects on the wearer. The most common application of spells would to allow a +1 to +5 deflection bonus to your armor class. That way a warrior could sneak in somewhere in plainclothes, yet be somewhat resistant to attacks.
The small minority you refer to is made even smaller when you're racially in the minority as well. Like you said, it's a true test of strength, and this guy's is doing more harm than good. I've always enjoyed reading this blog, and this was probably my favorite post - find myself reading it over and over again.
Excellent post Jimbo- and will you dish at the dinner? Color me curious.