some thoughts on marriage, gay and straight, and weddings
So with the recent California ruling on same-sex marriages there's another media and blogosphere onslaught of comments and positions on gay marriage, which can be summed up like this:
"OMG OMG OMG! GAY MARRIAGE EQUALITY CIVIL UNIONS!"
I am all for the benefits and priviliges that marriage provides to a couple, and hope we will one day achieve the same benefits from a legal union that straight people do.
But I also hope we can avoid some of the pitfalls and inappropriate use of marriage so gleefully embraced by heterosexuals. One nice thing about being gay is that once you're out and everyone knows, some degree of pressure is off. Amongst my group of high school friends, I saw the increasing pressure on the final single females of my posse to wed and bear children. Having been a homo for so long, I can't imagine having to put up with that crap: the questions of why you are still single or if you are married, why you don't yet have children.
This pressure is everywhere, from wedding contests on morning talk shows to that very special wedding episode on your favorite sitcom. It's the perceived inevitable endpoint to any straight relationship. Back home it goes like this: you graduate high school, get a job, get married and have children - not necessarily in that order. Upon later visits to Wisconsin I found that model to be flawed, as several high school classmates are now divorced, sometimes twice over. I think in many cases one of the two heteros was more interested in the wedding, not necessarily the marriage early on. And I think heteros totally take for granted the legal benefits gained from a marriage. They don't even think about it much at all.
I can't say how I'd think about marriage if I were straight, but if my brain chemistry were to suddenly shift into breeder mode, I would still approach relationships cautiously and consider marriage only in the event that I have lived with someone sustainably for a long time, and that we were considering marriage for the right reasons.
I've also observed that the older my hetero friends get, the nicer, shorter, and cheaper the weddings get as well. I think they eventually come to recognize that the wedding acknowledges the relationship, not the other way around. Weddings, in my opinion, are for the close friends and family, not necessarily for the couple. The couple knows they are a pair, the wedding is a ritual that serves to draw attention to and validate the marriage. But far too often, the ideas of marriage and wedding get mixed up somehow.
What I worry about is that if homos eventually get the right to marry, their perceptions towards that legal institution and ceremonial ritual will follow in the footsteps of our breederfolk brethren, and we'll end up with a big mess of expensive weddings and tragic divorces where the only people who benefit are the lawyers and credit card companies. It's not gay marriage that people need to fear, it's gay weddings.
But whatever you choose to do with your relationship - if there is a wedding, never, ever skimp on the food for the guests. That's all I have to say about that.
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Along with benefits and priviliges come obligations and responsibilities which many seem to forget.
A former coworker of mine spent $80,000 on her wedding. Working with her while she was planning everything was pure unadulterated hell because she focused on the wedding as if it were the very reason for her existence. I doubt the marriage will last 5 years.
"I think they eventually come to recognize that the wedding acknowledges the relationship, not the other way around. Weddings, in my opinion, are for the close friends and family, not necessarily for the couple."
Nail on the head. We've actually plan to have the minister specifically address this in our ceremony (coming up frighteningly soon!). After three years together, this little celebration of ours isn't going to change the relationship; it's just going to give our loved ones a visible demonstration of our commitment (and hopefully a really good party).
I've commented elsewhere that gay couples are just as likely to get married for fucked up reasons as breeders. I would hope, though, that as non-breeders we'll be somewhat less subject to some of those external pressures. Certainly for David and myself, as we're moving into our 40's and having been through most of the big events of adulthood other than breeding, most of our relatives (his fundie family excepted) are just happy that we're happy.
Great post, Jimbo. I would love there to be legal recognition of my relationship, but there are few things I hate more than attending weddings. I can't imagine I'd enjoy mine any more than I have other people's.
The best weddings I've been to were, as you suggest, short, modest and tasteful. I just worry that inside many a queen, there lurks a bridezilla, just waiting to escape.
If you want to get married boys (and boys) and girls (and girls), that's great. But please, no more songs from "Rent"!
To paraphrase Kelly, "I've been to gay weddings, and after five minutes, I was like LET'S GO."
As a married gay man and being married for 4 years. I have to say that things have changed in regards to how people view us. First question is "when will you and Rob have kids?" then the next question usually regards the house or the cats and dog.
I believe that not everyone is set for marriage, regardless if they are gay or straight. But when two people decide to get married and make this pledge, there is a lot of shit they need to give up along with what they get.
Like DARTH JERSEY Said :"Along with benefits and priviliges come obligations and responsibilities which many seem to forget."
I think many gays forget this.
Marriage is not an easy life, it involves being selfless and making lots of sacrifice.
I know that when Rob and I decided to get married and to devote our lives to each other in the act of marriage that there would be many obsticles and critisizims by both the straights and by the gays. Which we have gotten alot of, especially the point when I legally changed my surname to his. But that is a choice I made when I married him.
Our next step is to have children, either via surrogate or adoption.
Yes Rob and I have the baby fever
I will never understand straight people and weddings. They borrow 20 or 30 grand for a party and then move into a lousy apartment and complain that they can't afford to buy a home/car/college education/whatever. And then they get divorced and she burns the wedding pictures... one melancholy memory after another tossed into the fireplace as she sips glass after glass of cheap Chardonnay.
We are so lucky to be gay.
If you're in a committed relationship, should the number of ovaries or testicles in your household matter?
After 24 years together, we're tired of all the sacred hype about marriage when all the secular advantages are ignored. Frankly, we'd be thrilled if we could get a multi-car discount on our auto insurance.
But if the sanctity of marriage must be protected, then
WE SUPPORT ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN, ONE TIME.
Divorce should still be legal, but a person who is legally divorced should not be allowed to legally marry. Then marriage will be protected.
There will be some who fall into the same old pattern however, I think it gives us chance to redefine the rules. Every time the str8's abandon something, we come along fix it up, they want it back again. Maybe marriage will be the same?
All I want is equal inheritance rights and the multi-car discount on our insurance!
But..if we were to have a wedding, the most important thing, besides a multitude of passed foodstuffs, is a kick-ass open bar. What is the cheesiest thing ever? A straight wedding with a cash bar