Crappy Blue Car w/ Super Sensitive Alarm (Q & New Jersey NW)

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I've had a very shitty day today, but this Craigslist post negated all my worries, anxieties, uncertanties, fears and ills:
Crappy Blue Car
I swear I didn't post it.

To whoever posted this rant on Craigslist: I love you so much and I want to marry you. You are my hero. For you see, that fucking blue car with the hypersensitive car alarm is on my block, often parked right outside my front door. And if you even think about that crappy blue car, the fucking alarm goes off. It goes off when you walk by it. It goes off when one of the boys down the street swears loudly. It goes off in a light breeze. It goes off almost every hour of the day.

Jimbo vaporizes crappy blue car with disintegration beams from his eyesSometimes, I wish I could shoot disintegration beams out of my eyes that were like the alien laser beams in the Tom Cruise version of War of the Worlds, where the laser beams would just vaporize that fucking car and it's fucking car alarm. Or sometimes, in my dreams, a flamethrower would do in a jiffy. Sometimes, it's a sledgehammer, and I am allowed the joy of smashing that piece of crap car into a thousand pieces. Sometimes, I just want to psychically implode that annoying car and it's annoying alarm with my impressive reserve of psionic strength points.

Like the Craigslist person said, no one wants to steal that piece of crap-ass blue car. All your alarm really does is draw more attention to the fact that you own a crappy car. Not even the lowliest, most desperate crackhead in Shaw would even consider breaking into your car, it's so crappy. Get over yourself and your piece of shit blue car and the hypersensitive alarm. Or move to Arlington if you can't handle things in Shaw.

I feel better now. And most of all, I'm glad to know there's someone else on my block (probably many) who feel the same way I do about that piece of shit blue car with its fucking hypersensitive car alarm. It's good to be part of a community.

9 Comments

When I lived in Boston there was a car much like the crappy blue car you describe. The alarm drove me insane. I left the driver a present on his windshield: a carefully, strategically placed brick. It wigged him out so bad he found another place to park.


John said:

Sometimes when I am driving and somebody pulls in front of me on the freeway at 80 mph and leaves six inches to spare, usually without signally, then slows down, and generally endangers me and everybody else, I fantasize about having a secret vaporizer weapon in my car.

Sometimes when I'm walking the dog and somebody has parked in their driveway blocking the sidewalk, (despite having a garage and plenty of room in the driveway and empty curb in front of their house), because really, who would ever walk down the sidewalk, and so what if they have to basically walkinto the street or into the drainage ditch... I fantasize about smashing all the windows of the car as I walk by.

When someone comes up my street in their Car That Goes Boom and my windows are rattling and the floor is shaking, I fantasize about sitting on my roof, sniper-style, and shooting out all their tires, one by one, and then the windows, to see how long it would take for the driver to run in terror.

This is why I don't have a gun.

Rob said:

We have the same exact problem in the 1400 block of S Street. I don't know which car it is, but my bedroom is at the front of the house, and the damn thing goes of EVERY time a heavy truck rumbles by and annoys me/wakes me up (it's almost more annoying than the drunk suburban hipster-wannabes talking loudly as they walk back to their car at 1 a.m. on a Tuesday night following a show at the Black Cat, or the drunk/cracked out/just crazy homeless people yelling at nobody in particular at 3 a.m.).

To its owner: If your car is so fucking precious, then why don't you pony up and get some off-street parking for it, you asshat? Can't afford it? Then you can't afford a car that deserves an alarm!

Thanks, Jimbo, for letting me bitch....

R and New Jersey said:

This car woke me up twice last night. I want to destroy it.

Mike said:

I wonder if someone in the neighborhood will print it off and place it under the windshield wiper... "As seen on Craigslist..."

There was an old SNL faux commercial where a car alarm goes off and someone opens the window and points a hugeass flamethrower at the car and Zzapp...it goes up in flames.

Mel said:

There are certain advantages to living in a tiny New England village where people don't lock anything.

However, I would love to have weaponry on my car to disable stupid drivers, like the Masshole bitch this afternoon who decided the yield sign didn't apply to her and damn near sideswiped me.

Si Kailian said:

Ah the things that bring community together... we had a similar problem on 4th st. Our loud rumbly muffler constantly set off a neighbor's car alarm. Alarm sensitivity levels can be adjusted. we simply asked the neighbor to change his - problem solved. If you dont know who it is, perhaps leave a nice note.

cb said:

someone totally needs to pepper that car with xeroxes of the ad! And then you should tape a note to the door suggesting that if the person doesn't fix their damn alarm, you'll give the car something to alarm ABOUT!

I knew a guy who was awakened in the middle of the night by a car alarm going off right outside his building. After listening to it for about twenty minutes, he couldn't take any more. He got up, grabbed one of his leather dress shoes with a big thick sturdy heel, and headed out with the intention of smashing the headlights on the car.

When he got to the sidewalk, he saw another guy crossing the street carrying a shoe. They both looked at each other and laughed. They didn't bust out the headlights on the car, but that was the start of a great relationship, and as far as I know, both of them are still together.

(Note that this happened before the New York City Council effectively banned siren car alarms. Because they don't work. And no one missed them. And New Yorkers all breathed a collective sigh of relief. Maybe contact your local elected officials and tell them you've got a great idea for a piece of legislation.)

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