The Mystery of the Malicious Moose

I think there's a moose running amok in Shaw. Since I moved in, at least once a week all the plants in my lily pond have been stirred up. The potted lillies are particularly fragile, as their leaves snap off every time this happens. They're not meant to be stirred up and now they only have 1 lily pad. And fewer leaves mean no flowers this season and perhaps none next season either. The plant has to build up nutrients to be able to produce a blossom, and weekly stirrings will prevent this from happening, which is the whole point of having a lily pond in the first place.

At first I thought it was neighborhood kids or crackheads looking for something to sell - I've had mums ripped out of the garden before. But nothing is stolen, just upturned as if an Alaskan moose had stuck his head in the tub looking for tubers. But the tubers and fish are all accounted for. It's happened once a week now since I moved, and I have a list of suspects:

- Kvetchy nervous neighbor Mr. Kravitz: Sometimes when I am late for work I see this skinny nervous looking guy inspecting everyone's yard. He strikes me as the type of guy to enforce neighborhood color standards or noxious weed laws. If your weeds are too long (by his standards) he uproots them and places them on your streetbox or on your sidewalk as if to send a message. I'm not the one he should be making a statement to, and if I catch him being passive-aggressive again I'm gonna smak that bitch upside the head. If you don't like my gardening, talk to me about it, or talk to my landlord - we can resolve this with open communication. Anyway, I don't think he's the culprit because there's no reason he should be sticking his head or hand in my nasty pondwater. It's been hours since I repotted the lilies and my arms still smell like I fisted the Yangtze River. He seems like like the type of person to be germ-phobic, and while I think he's obsessive-compulsive, I don't think he's malicious. I think you'll read more about this character in the future, but I don't think he's the Malicious Moose.

- Sugar the Dog: We have a nice neighbor named Vinny the Watcher, who watches everything that goes on in our 'hood. He is a Watcher without a Slayer, biding his time by watching all that transpires on da street. He has a very friendly dog named Sugar who is as sweet as her name suggests. While sugar may be drinking from the pond, dogs don't stick their head in the water to drink, they just lap water. There is no evidence that anything large is going deep into the water either - Sugar hasn't been taking a dip. But I'll talk to Vinny to see if Sugar ever comes home soaking wet.

- Crackheads: Again, nothing has been stolen. A crackhead could resell the water hyacinths and lily pad tubers, but nothing is missing, only upturned. Plus crackheads are chaotic, and not regular enough to do this on a weekly basis.

- Dumb Kids: They also wouldn't stir up the tub on a weekly basis - if a kid was trying to catch the guppies or goldfish, they would have or would have given up.

- Skwurl or Evil Sean, Upstairs Neighbors: While both be inherently evil, they are both clearly too busy eating bowls of sugar doused with coffee or tricking to mess around with my pond.

The regularity of the pond upsets leads me to believe it is urban wildlife. Most animals have a weekly or daily 'range' or pattern of things they like to do. I'm guessing my pond and tub are being used for regular bathing and washing by raccoons or possums, both of which I've seen in DC, along with deer, peregrine falcons, and other critters you don't normally think would live in a city. Raccoons and possum live in the attics of vacant or lived-in buildings - they're just quiet in the day and only come out at night, which is why we don't see them too often.

I have one trick up my sleeve that works with small mammals, which I once suggested to Don and Jim a few years ago, a trick that worked when I was in Peace Corps and owned a gravid female cat. Her suitors would come singing at my door when she was in heat. So one day I peed in the stairwell and the visiting Toms never came back. Don and Jim had baby rabbits that were falling into their pool. I told them to take a leak around the perimeter of their pool, and the rabbits would sense that it is human territory. Sure enough, it worked. I'll try it around the pond. And if it isn't varmints, I'll pee on the person who is doing it instead.